Alone and Unobserved

Now that I am at the relatively tolerant University of Utah, I am paying for my previous incomprehension–nay, contempt!–of people who refused to come out of the closet. Since homosexuality was pretty much verboten at my undergraduate institution, I looked forward to the day I would finally come out to everyone I knew the way an evangelical Christian awaits the Rapture, i.e., with ecstatic anticipation. Now that I am at a much more accepting school, where being expelled because of my sexual orientation would be unthinkable, I am discovering that coming out to people I already know is not any easier.
Here’s a list of people who I think ought to know that I am gay, and I’ll take the cases one by one.

My parents. My family is really close, and my being in both a sexual and religious closet has really put a strain on my side of the relationship, especially with my parents. They obviously suspect that something’s going on (my mother has begun sending me a General Authority talk a week; this week’s was on the evils of relative morality), but so far they have not asked any questions that I have not managed to weasel out of. That’s the problem: I have trained myself to lie to my parents for so many years that telling them the truth seems physically impossible! Argh.

Why I want to come out to them: So that they will finally understand what’s going on, what I want out of life, and who I really am; and so they’ll stop sending me religious info and stop asking me when I’m going to start dating girls.
Why I probably shouldn’t: I don’t know if coming out to them will have any positive effect at all. Maybe if they find out that I am a gay atheist they’ll go to another extreme–try to convert me back, say, or cut off contact with me altogether. I don’t think the latter is likely, but I’m not sure I would prefer the former situation. In any case, maybe this is the best I can hope for in a relationship with my parents, as long as they are the way they are and I am the way I am.
Conclusion: As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve decided to start dropping hints, since I can’t seem to force myself to say anything direct. Maybe they’ll get up the courage to ask me what the heck is going on, dispite all the misinformation I’ve tossed out over the past few years.

My good (Mormon) friends: I’m already out to most of the non-Mormons I know. Unfortunately, I know quite a few people from before I left the LDS Church who are still staunch believers. I’m not worried about people I’ll never see again, or with whom I have extremely limited contact; I plan on more or less cutting off contact with them, anyway. That still leaves several people I was on very good terms with just a few weeks ago before I graduated who I might want to . . . you know, stay friends with, despite the fact that they’re Mormon.

Why I want to come out to them: Well, one of the main reasons I like being out is that I can be myself. Hanging around people who don’t know I’m gay is really uncomfortable for me. I would rather be friends with people who really know me; in some cases it deepens the friendship. For instance, I came out to my best friend Carrie a year ago, and instead of losing a friend I gained a confidante. I though I could tell her anything before; now I really do tell her everything.
Why I probably shouldn’t come out to them: Well, is it their business? Do they want to know? Will I lose their friendship? Will they tell my parents? (Aiiieee!)
Conclusion: I should take this slowly, I think–if I end up spending a lot of time with them, they should probably know. If not, but there’s still a strong connection–maybe. If I don’t spend time with them, and I don’t feel any connection–no.