Alone and Unobserved

–if you want to be cool like Sean, that is. Now pay attention, because there will be a test.

1. Jason Mraz

is too cool for school, and so will you be if you listen to his honeyed words and mellifluous voice. Regularly listening to Jason Mraz is clinically proven to improve your love life by an average of 57.6%.

Top tracks: “Life is Wonderful,” “Bella Luna,” and “Mr. Curiosity,” all from Mr. A-Z. His live albums and performances also have an exuberant spontaneity that keeps me coming back for more.

2. The Wailin’ Jennys

have two albums out (40 Days and Firecracker). Both should be on constant rotation on your iPod or 8-track or whatever, because studies show that the more time you spend listening to alt-country/bluegrass in tight, female three-part harmony, the fewer zits and/or skin imperfections you will have. And we can trust that, because it’s SCIENCE.

Top tracks: “Saucy Sailor,” “Untitled” and “Ten-Mile Stilts” from 40 Days, and “Devil’s Paintbrush Road,” “Things That You Know” and “This Heart of Mine” from Firecracker.

3. Tori Amos

will do more to increase your mental capacity than Mozart, and you can take that to the bank. I’m serious. When Tori’s playing I can actually add numbers together. In my head!! I’ve almost mastered long division, too, all thanks to sweet, sweet Tori’s muse-like magic.

Top tracks: Pretty much all of Little Earthquakes; “God,” “The Wrong Band,” “Cornflake Girl” and “Yes, Anastasia” from Under the Pink; “Parasol,” “Sweet the Sting,” “The Power of Orange Knickers,” “Sleeps with Butterflies,” “Martha’s Foolish Ginger,” and “Hoochie Woman” from The Beekeeper; and far too many others to list.

4. Carla Bruni

is beautiful and talented, and listening to her husky, seductive crooning will make you beautiful. Or talented. But not both. Only greedy people want everything.

Top tracks: “Quelqu’un m’a dit,” “Raphaël,” “Le toi du moi,” “J’en connais,” “L’excessive” and “La dernière minute,” all from Quelqu’un m’a dit.

5. Wir Sind Helden

are my heroes. And they’d be yours, too, if you’d only let them. Wir Sind Helden saved my cat from a burning building, and are singlehandedly keeping the state of California from sliding into the Pacific Ocean. If you listen to their music, they’ll keep you from being flung into outer space by the rotation of the Earth. Plus they’ll teach you some killer hero-style dance moves.

Top tracks: The entire Von Hier an Blind album.

And now for the test! No cheating!

a) Which artist/group will help you perform arithmetic in your head? (Hint: It’s not Green Day.)

b) Which artist/group’s music is guaranteed to improve your love life? (Hint: They all will, but one of them was mentioned specifically!)

c) Which artist/group is the reason California is still with us? (Hint: This artist/group doesn’t even live in California, which makes it all the more selfless!)

d) Write a short paragraph about how your life will change once you are as cool as Sean.

And that’s it. A fast, easy, scientifically supported way to be one thousand times cooler in next to no time at all! Feel free to leave your spontaneous testimonials and heartfelt thanks in the comments section.