Confiteor vobis
A friend read some of the confessional-type posts I’ve written in the past little while, and sent me an e-mail asking if I was really happier—presumably, now that I’m an atheist, ex-Mormon, gay, and out. After I sent my reply, it occurred to me that some of the thoughts and incidents that I mentioned in my response had never appeared here in my blog. So, for those who are interested in WHEN SEAN KNEW HE HAD TO DATE BOYS or HOW SEAN GOT OVER HIS OCD, here’s a (partially redacted) TELL-ALL-WELL-MAYBE-NOT-QUITE-ALL EXCERPT for your reading pleasure.
I am very much happier now. I mean, I wish my family had reacted better, and I wish I had a boyfriend, and I wish . . . you know. My life isn’t perfect. Anyone who promises you perfect happiness is selling something. But I know I wouldn’t have been able to make marriage with a woman work, so that was never an option, and I know I wouldn’t be able to handle spending the rest of my life without even holding someone’s hand or kissing. Ultimately, this is who I am, and for the first time in my life, I like myself and am not ashamed. The fact that my family isn’t handling it very well is painful, but it’s also their problem, and maybe they’ll come around; and not having a boyfriend right now is better than having the prospect of never having one. So on the whole, I’m doing much, much better.The turning point for me came right after I broke up with Anni. This was a year or so after my mission, I think. I was really depressed, because I had tried dating a girl and it had failed to work out in the most spectacular way, and I was reluctantly coming to terms with the fact that I would probably never get married to a woman (honestly, that is), which is what I had spent my entire life hoping and planning for.
One morning, while I was in the middle of this internal war, I was in a dance class, and for some reason, out of the blue, one of the other guys in the class hugged me. I don’t think he meant anything by it (although it wouldn’t surprise me to find out that any or all of the guys in the BYU Ballroom Dance Company were or are gay), but in that moment, I knew that was what I wanted and needed: a guy who would hug me and hold me. I didn’t even find that particular guy all that attractive, but his off-hand hug had done more for me than all my time with Anni had, because he was a man. And that’s where I started realizing I had to start dating men, because I knew that neither celibacy nor dating women was for me.
It didn’t happen overnight. I had to think long and hard about what I would potentially be giving up and what I would potentially be gaining. It was really scary. But in the end, there was only one decision I could honestly make.
Also, around that time I started really having problems with depression, anxiety and especially OCD. I still have the depression and anxiety from time to time, but I stopped having problems with OCD the day I stopped trying to make myself into someone I wasn’t, and accepted myself joyfully as who I was. I still try and improve myself, but I know I’ll never be straight, and you know what? I don’t want to be. Being gay is a lot of fun, because I can be myself.
P.S. I find it interesting to contrast my blog-posting style with my comment-posting style with my e-mail-writing style. I should probably think more about tailoring my writing to my intended audience.
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June 1st, 2007 at 3:58 pm
Though there was a time I wish I could make a life with a woman work, I just *knew* that the celibacy thing was implausible. This is what my bishop seemed to say:
>>BISHOP: Since I care about your eternal salvation, I urge you to remain celibate for the rest of your life and never connect with another human being. Oh, our time’s up? Well if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go home to my lovely wife, with whom I share an intimate and deep emotional, spiritual and physical connection. Ta!
June 1st, 2007 at 7:07 pm
Exactly. As I mention at the end of this blog post, the General Authorities (the members of the governing bodies of the Mormon Church) can’t handle being celibate for more than a year or two. And yet they require gay Mormons to remain celibate for the rest of their lives. Or to find a member of the opposite sex they hate enough to inflict a sham marriage on.
But there are a lot of people who want to force special roles and punishments on gay people. Read this blog post by I. Wonder, for instance. When people say things like that, it makes me certain that they haven’t really put themselves in our shoes. As I’ve said before, I think a desire to understand another person is a necessary part of loving that person. It’s possible to misunderstand someone and still love them—but I don’t think it’s possible to love them and not want to understand them, especially when the opportunity is presented so openly and easily.
And I don’t think the General Authorities have tried to understand gay Mormons—they can’t even stand to talk about gays and lesbians as if we were real, instead using magnificently patronizing terms like “same-gender attracted individuals”—and so they don’t fit MY definition of loving. It’s one thing for Dallin Oaks and whats-his-other-face to SAY they love those who suffer from “same-gender attraction,” but it’s something completely different for them to actually get up off their asses and try to learn a little bit about being gay or lesbian and Mormon, and trying to understand what that really feels like when your parents reject you for something you can’t help, and your church condemns you for loving someone—and if they did that, maybe they’d get to the point where some changes might be made. But I think quite a few of them are going to have to die first. I’m sorry, but that’s probably the way it is.
June 6th, 2007 at 11:54 am
although it wouldn’t surprise me to find out that any or all of the guys in the BYU Ballroom Dance Company were or are gay
For what it’s worth, especially now that we’ve actually met, I will validate this statement for you. Because I was on the Touring Company for three years. I’m sure I was not the first gay guy on the team, and I know I was not the last. And, to be honest, that doesn’t even take in to account the entire Ballroom Dance Company, which includes all five performing teams, not just the touring company.
In fact, while I was on the touring company, there was a guy on one of the other teams who was kicked out of the university because he came out to his dance partner and she ratted him out when they didn’t do so well in a competition. (At least that’s the way the story has likely been butchered to read.)
June 6th, 2007 at 1:03 pm
When I was on the 9-o’clock beginner team, our team director told us about a guy who was being kicked out of BYU for being gay and wanted to come out to the team before he left. The departmant chair urged him not to/forbade him from doing so, but he did it anyway, and made everyone else feel horribly uncomfortable.
The message our director was giving us, I suppose, was that if/when we decided to get our gay selves expelled, that we should do it quietly and with dignity and not upset our team members by giving homosexuality a human face.
June 7th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
Do you know who the guy was, by chance?
June 7th, 2007 at 12:30 pm
Nope. I always assumed it was an apocryphal story anyway. Brent was known for those. LOL