Preparation Day Is a Special Day
Wednesday is apparently “Preparation Day” for the Mormon missionaries in town, which means it’s the one day every week out of their regimented existence that they can rest, play sports, check email and think impure thoughts*. Every Wednesday they descend on the library to check and write email, their baggy suits, bad haircuts and broken-in shoes making them immediately identifiable even without the inevitable black nametag. And every Wednesday, without fail, one of them wanders away from the pack and goes to check his email alone on my level.
What kind of loose ship are they running in this town? The cardinal rule of the mission is NEVER LEAVE YOUR COMPANION ALONE. Films such as Latter Days teach us that leaving your companion alone is a sure-fire way to get involved in a clichéd homosexual affair. The gays are just waiting for that weak missionary to wander away from the flock before they close in for the kill.
Of course, missionaries are fairly safe from me. I’m not interested in a sexually repressed, self-loathing twenty-year-old lover with bad hair and weird underwear. But when I see these young men wander around my domain, joking stupidly with each other, carrying scriptures and Deseret Book bags** and pushing boundaries by wandering off alone, it makes me almost nostalgic for my mission. Except there was no amazing library to take refuge in one day a week, with free internet access. And if there had been, I would never have wandered off on my own. (The gays were everywhere, plotting my downfall, even then.)
* Just kidding! Missionaries are never allowed to think impure thoughts, on pain of crippling guilt and self-hatred. [back]
** Deseret Book is a Mormon-church-owned bookstore that lurks in every mall in Utah. It is boring and it sells safe, boring books, suitable only for Mormon housewives and missionaries. [back]
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May 7th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
Do you know of any current or former Mormons, gay or otherwise, that find the “temple garments” erotic? I saw a photo once, and they seemed like the most penis deflating underwear I’d ever seen. It made the high natality of LDS folks all the more impressive to me.
May 8th, 2008 at 12:18 am
Good grief! This is an enjoyable blog and everything, but angry/sarcastic posts like this make it hard to want to keep coming back [for an LDS person like myself]. You are a good writer, but it seems you are growing more and more bitter each post! I suppose if you want to only have a readership of gay men who hate the LDS church then this type of writing is ideal, but that sure is a small demographic. I’ll keep checking back because I enjoy your musings, but hopefully when you are being critical you can keep the blows a little higher [/double entendre].
@ Todd: The reason Mormons keep having sex is because they take off the garments first you see.
May 8th, 2008 at 3:55 am
I for one still think women in garments are hot. JUST kidding. It irks me to this day that the few that I got down with always wore their mammary support on the OUTSIDE. Fuck. That just weirded me out.
As for Deseret Book. They use to have Hugh Nibley’s works. Which even though biased are still amazing feats of collection, even it is of odd information. I know I once had a talking to by an A.P. that told me that I shouldn’t be reading Enoch: The Prophet and The Temple and The Cosmos, because we shouldn’t have need of such deep subjects while doing the work of god. I think in my head I was hoping that he gets crabs at some point in his life.
May 8th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
(Sorry about taking so long to reply—Qwest’s DNS server didn’t refresh until just a few minutes ago, effectively barring me from accessing my own site. Bleah.)
Todd, in my experience, garment and missionary fetishes are very common among gay Mormons and gay ex-Mormons here in Utah and elsewhere. I have never understood why.
K-Wonder, thanks for reading and commenting. I would say this is actually a fairly upbeat period for me—if you think my complaining about a day spent at the Family History Library or snarking about missionary haircuts, weird underwear and Deseret Book shows bitterness, you should check out this post, this post or this post for comparison. In any case, you should bear in mind that I am a gay, ex-Mormon atheist, and my blog is bound to reflect that.
Potentate, I didn’t know some women wore their bras over their garments until I left the church, since I was never in a position to investigate personally, and even now it’s only hearsay. I suppose the logic is that the garment is supposed to be touching skin?
Also, I should have made it clear that missionaries are only allowed to read the Mormon scriptures and the “Missionary Library.” And given some of the subject matter, “safe” and “boring” might not be good generalizations to make about scripture.
May 8th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
I would first like to make sure I have not made a reputation for myself as an angry humorless coot. I am perfectly at peace with observations about doctrines, practices, etc. of the LDS Church, funny or not (in your case they are usually pretty funny). The South Park episode depicting Mormonism remains one of my favorites, for example. I was mostly just a little taken aback by this sweeping generalization: “I’m not interested in a sexually repressed, self-loathing twenty-year-old”. Something about that line just didn’t feel right to me. Perhaps this was taken from your own personal experience, but from what I have seen Mormon 20-year olds are just the same as everyone else. Bear in mind, I was also a little pissed off because of the late hour and the loss by the Utah Jazz. But yeah, thanks for not being a dick and realizing that my comment was for the most part said with good intentions.
May 8th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
I was mostly just a little taken aback by this sweeping generalization: “I’m not interested in a sexually repressed, self-loathing twenty-year-old”. Something about that line just didn’t feel right to me. Perhaps this was taken from your own personal experience, but from what I have seen Mormon 20-year olds are just the same as everyone else.
Ah! I understand. Yes, Mormon 20-year-olds are usually pretty normal, insofar as being very, very conservative and virginal is normal for 2o-year-olds nowadays. On the other hand, if I were to take a gay, 20-year-old Mormon missionary as a lover, chances are he would be sexually repressed and self-loathing and have bad hair and weird underwear. That is the scenario I was attempting to invoke, however clumsily.
May 8th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
“On the other hand, if I were to take a gay, 20-year-old Mormon missionary as a lover, chances are he would be sexually repressed and self-loathing and have bad hair and weird underwear.”
Well that definitely would make more sense, and I probably should have realized, as you most likely would have little success trying to woo a straight missionary. But you never know with these gays today. Everything they do is so dramatic and flamboyant. It just makes me want to set myself on fire.
May 8th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Then our plan has succeeded.
May 8th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
Just wanted to make sure you caught the verbatim Arrested Development reference (the last two sentences).
May 8th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
But of course! That line, the first time I saw it, thirty seconds into the pilot, is what made me decide I was going to love AD. Thanks for the laugh. :D
May 8th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
*speaking of your comments Sean, to me.
I don’t know really know what the point is, it just seems uncomfortable. Plus it really makes that whole ‘titillating’ experience of unhinging the clasp and watching gravity take force, basically useless. In all my years of promiscuity, that has to be my favorite moment. Not because breasts are all that I envy. It is just a very gratifying experience.
I know the few [still active and believing members of the LDS faith] I have talked with about this odd behavior see no problem with it. I do. In the words of Morgan Freeman as a Muslim; “Allah enjoys a wondrous variety.” As do I. In my liquor, friends, and my poon-tang.
Poker soon, I promise. Keep bugging me.
May 8th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
Yeah. Uncomfortable, unattractive and the opposite of titillating: a bra strapped over a garment top.
I’ll come for the booze, but I’ll stay for the poker.
May 10th, 2008 at 9:36 am
Bra over garment is not attractive at all (and totally not required either) but I must say that on a cold winter’s night it’s kinda cool to take the bra off and be left still wearing an already warm and cozy top. (TMI?) Anyway, it’s a bit of a moot point for me now.
I loved Latter Days. It wasn’t a perfect movie by any means, but the two main actors made the story memorable and beautiful.
May 10th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
I hadn’t thought of that aspect, chosha. But then, my main seasonal memory involving garments is summer-related, i.e., “Tell me again why I’m wearing an extra layer of clothes in this heat?”
I wasn’t a huge fan of Latter Days. Maybe I was hoping for a film that would star me, on my mission in Italy, except that I would hook up with a hot Italian guy? And the person who played me would be nerdy but attractive?