The Monologuist
I wasn’t hungry at noon today, so I spent my lunch hour exercising in the library’s tiny workout room. Afterwards I was changing in the likewise tiny locker room, feeling a sense of manly accomplishment, when I heard a noise from the bathroom stall. My immediate reaction was to think, There’s someone else in here. How long have they been there? What have they overheard??? Oh, right, they heard me holding forth at length about my underwear.
You see, I have a slight problem. I talk to myself, out loud, ALL THE TIME.
If I’m in a room with you but think I’m alone, I may treat you to:
- A monologue on my views on the state of health care in the United States, possibly compared and contrasted with the health care systems of other countries
- One half of a conversation with a person who is not physically present about how they have failed me personally in the past and what I will expect of them in the future if they are to return to my good graces
- A lengthy discussion of the circumstances under which I dropped a glass jar of instant coffee on my foot, and what the resulting lump looks like, and whether I think it will ever heal (I change my mind on this point hourly)
Or, as today, you might hear a one-sided discussion on whether I think my undershirt is too sheer to serve as a workout top (I decided it was, but I wore it anyway).
Some of these bizarre little soliloquies become blog posts, or inspire blog posts (like this one!). Some become stories, or ideas for novels. And some serve only as further evidence that I am a tool short of a shed. Fortunately, it turned out that I really was alone today in the locker room. So, while my secret is still safe and I won’t be committed to a mental hospital yet, I’m starting to hear noises on top of talking to people who aren’t there. Maybe there is a medication I should be taking?
[Photo of painting "LABYRINTH: Maybe I am Crazy" by Emin Sinanyan.]
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July 12th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
“And some serve only as further evidence that I am a tool short of a shed.”
That was an excessively hetero metaphor.
How about “A few feathers short of a boa.”
or ” A few fags short of a carton.” :)
July 12th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
I’m sure there are gay people who will argue against that being a “hetero” metaphor, but you’re right—I am very nearly a full shed of tools short of a shed. On the other hand, I have about as much to do with boas and smokes as I do with tools and sheds, so there’s not much to prefer there.
July 12th, 2008 at 9:22 pm
In Australia we’d say you were ‘a few chops short of a barbie’ (barbeque). Another nice Aussie slang description of someone’s who’s a bit mad is to say they’ve ‘got a few kangaroos loose in their top paddock’. :)
A few years back a guy a church mentioned in a talk that he sometimes had imaginary conversations while driving or otherwise alone and about 20 people came up to him afterwards and admitted that they do the same. (It’s entirely possible I might have been one of them…)
July 12th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
I love those expressions, chosha! I’m going to have to work them into conversation as soon as possible. “The patron on computer F is a few chops short of a barbie, if you ask me!” Hee hee!
Well, it’s nice to know I’ve just come out as part of an invisible subculture. Now I can start campaigning for our rights. “We demand freedom from being laughed at for talking to the empty air!” “We’re here, we are possibly not deranged, get used to us!”
July 13th, 2008 at 1:37 am
I constantly talk to myself–when I’m in the shower, I have very heated discussions because I figure I can yell if the water is loud enough. I don’t know what I’ll ever do if I end up living with someone because I’m always talking to no one in particular. It’s not a sign of derangement, though, as long as you know no one is there.
July 13th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
I talk to myself all the time, too.
But I’m on all kinds of crazy medication, so I guess that’s not terribly comforting.
July 13th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
And Craig, I am a total fan of the “few fags short of a carton” metaphor. So hilarious!
July 13th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
So ayw shouts in the shower and is not crazy, and Kerry talks to herself and is crazy. But what about meeeeeeeeee????
One thing I forgot to mention in the post itself is that often I’ll break into an ongoing conversation I’m having with a non-existent person to explain to a second non-existent person that I talk to myself all the time, isn’t it funny, and that I hope they can be understanding. And then I laugh at myself. And then I explain to a third non-existent person why I’m laughing.
July 13th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
Well I’m sure glad that somebody thought I was funny.
July 14th, 2008 at 10:09 am
Wow. My wife thinks I’m knitting with only one needle because I tend to have heated discussions with myself (usually where I remember some silly thing I did or said years ago, and impulsively decide to berate myself yet again for the mistake) and won’t let her in on the conversation. “Sorry, honey, this is none of your business. Its strictly between I and Me.” Okay, I don’t actually say that, but I refuse to explain the short conversation, because I’m rather embarrassed and don’t want her on the phone to the psychiatric ward and/or divorce lawyer.
Now I can explain to her that I’m not so crazy–my conversations don’t go in three directions. Do you ever find the other two dominating the conversation, and you getting shut out altogether?
;)
July 14th, 2008 at 11:18 am
Craig, your suggestions were funny. They just weren’t Australian. There! I admit that I am biased against the Canadjans. I blame my parents for not raising me right. I.e., for raising me in the United States.
No, Derek, I’m much too self-centered to let myself get shut out of an imaginary conversation. How fortunate that I blogged about this, though: You can use me as an example for your wife of how crazy you are not, and your experience can serve as a warning to angryyoungwoman of what can happen if you don’t kick the habit before getting married or moving in with someone else. Everyone wins!
Except me, as usual. :P
July 31st, 2008 at 3:42 pm
I just wanna thank you for posting my painting in your website. THANKS!
Emin Sinanyan
July 31st, 2008 at 3:44 pm
No problem. It perfectly encapsulated what I was trying to say. :D