Friendship in a Digital Age
That I’m in contact with any of my old friends is a miracle—specifically a Facebook miracle. It’s thanks to Facebook that I’m still in touch with former roommates, former BYU friends, former dance partners, former fellow grad students, former coworkers, former professors and former boyfriends, as well as cousins, aunts, online acquaintances, fellow atheists, fellow ex-Mormons, fellow gays and so on and so forth.
I’m beginning to wonder if this is really a good thing. I just lost a friend, primarily because of what each of us has posted openly online (see the comments on this post). She is a practicing, faithful Mormon who supported Prop 8 and who opposes same-sex marriage because she believes homosexual sex is a sin. In fact, like many other Mormons and many fundamentalist Christians, she doesn’t even believe homosexuality exists, per se. She has written a great deal about her views on her blog.
I, on the other hand, am a confirmed atheist ex-Mormon gay man who believes the Mormon church is a man-made organization that is characterized by bigotry, lies and self-righteousness. I believe Proposition 8 was motivated by intolerance and deception and homophobia, and that the Mormon church bears a great deal of the blame for its passing. Just last weekend I participated in a protest against the Mormon church’s opposition to gay rights and support of Prop 8. I have also made no secret of any of these things on my blog.
So she found my blog and was horrified and upset by what she found here, and I found her blog and was horrified and upset in my turn. I wrote a blog post in which I speculated cynically about the true reasons behind the Mormon church and its members’ opposition to gay marriage. She wrote a hurtful comment in response, in which she questioned my integrity and called me bitter and closed-minded. I wrote a cold rebuttal, which I closed by stating that I didn’t feel much friendship for her anymore. She agreed.
Are there some former acquaintanceships that are worth preserving, at least for nostalgia’s sake, but which are too fragile to handle the constant barrage of truth and stream-of-consciousness honesty that accompany an online relationship? Would Summer and I still consider ourselves “friends” if neither of us had a blog and neither of us was on Facebook? Is it possible to preserve a friendship by willfully refusing to know the truth about another person?
Just a few years ago, Summer’s devotion to the Mormon church and opposition to same-sex marriage would have been things we had in common, not things that drove us apart or set us at odds. People change. Our ideas of what friendship is also change.
And then there is my family. I don’t really discuss these subjects with them, but I’m Facebook friends with several of my siblings, and I’ve seen their status updates and the causes they’ve joined. And I’m sure they’ve seen my statuses and notes and causes. How is it possible to preserve a relationship, knowing what we know about each other?
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November 10th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
I think that even without Facebook or your blogs, this would have eventually come up in some other form of communication. You mentioned that it was only a few years ago that you and Summer had something in common, and now that has been taken away so now you are left with nothing in common. (Am I correct in thinking this?) And since you have no common ground to walk on, what do you have left? Is it stable? Could it survive anything? Obviously not, if she gave up your friendship so willingly because she thought your opposition to her beliefs wasn’t worth it.
People come and go in your life. I wish I could say it’s easy to keep them in, but sometimes you just have to let go. In the end, though, you’re left with the best of the bunch. I’m someone who doesn’t really believe in nostalgia for nostalgia’s sake – I de-friend people on Facebook if I think we have nothing in common anymore. And I’ve found that those whose opinions and beliefs I respect the most are the ones who give me the same courtesy, and whose friendship will last, if not forever, then a lot longer.
As for family – I think family is family. They’re connected to you in ways friends are not. You’re relationship with them is so deep-rooted, it’s near impossible to forfeit. My brother and I share an apartment, and we have opposing views on a lot of things. To be honest, I didn’t know until these past few months just how conservative he really is. But I could never disown him. He’s my brother. The one thing still Mormon about me is that I truly believe that family is forever.
November 10th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
I just read a little bit of Summer’s blog and it is the same kind of writing that made me want to unfriend some people to death that were on my Facebook friend list. I almost wish I didn’t know about them, that way I could at least think that some of my old mission companions were still cool, rather than pious, self-righteous bigots I would never talk to.
It is so frustrating that people can’t apply the Golden Rule to this thing… well a LOT of things. They would NEVER want to be treated the way they’re treating others. And the sad part is that they try to convince themselves they’re doing it out of love so it makes them feel better or that they’re really serving their god by oppressing others. Nice god they got there. I think I’ll pass.
November 10th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
Aye there’s the rub. Ever since I left the Mormon church this has been on my mind. My family are all very active in the church. And I think that is great for them. If it makes them happy, then I’m glad they are there. And for the most part they are very accepting and tolerant of my life. It is when family or friends look at my life and tell me I should be doing something different according to their beliefs that I get irked and don’t want to be around them. Stop shoulding on me. :) You would think their ought to be a way where we can all come together and live according to our “truths” and let others live by their “truths”. And unless it infringes on someone else’s rights let it be. There sure would be a lot less war.
November 10th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
Hi Sean. We only know each other as Twitter people so far. But I’ve been stalking your blog for a while now. I think all we really know about each other so far is that your formerly LDS and gay, and I’m LDS and straight. Oh, and I know you work at a library. You also know I’m not a morning person. That’s about it.
What you don’t know about me is that I come from a very conservative LDS family. VERY conservative. The type of family that has their own PAC on family values. The kind of family that considers me a black sheep for not graduating from BYU (still the only family member to graduate from college, and it wasn’t BYU). The kind of family who is still slightly upset that I didn’t vote Republican (like its my fault that McCain lost).
So you can only imagine how well it would go over if they knew my sister has completely left the LDS church. She and her husband have their own reasons, and chose to be ex-communicated.
For the few family members that know, it is a heart breaking thing. For them it is all about not having that one major thing in common. (Let alone all of the religious reasons.) For most religious people, as you know, religion is the MOST important thing in their lives, and it is hard to relate to other people who don’t share that key personality trait.
I am probably the polar opposite. For me I always want to find a reason or way to connect with someone who thinks the opposite of me, or acts significantly different from me. As I have stated before, I’m not for or against Prop 8. I was targeted with very hurtful comments just for being LDS and in Utah, and therefore presumably in favor of Prop 8. It’s ironic to me that after a lifetime of growing up in Washington, DC, in a very politically active family, that now I would be targeted when I’m as far from politics as I have ever been before.
I’m rambling, and for that I apologize.
Your question specifically was, “How is it possible to preserve a relationship, knowing what we know about each other?”
And for me the answer is, simply, how can you not try to preserve the relationship, when you do know everything about each other?
Your siblings know you inside and out. (No pun intended.) They have to know that choosing to leave the life and expectations you were raised with was not easy for you. Will the respect come naturally and easily? No. Will it be hard and bring on fights and tears? Yes. Should both sides choose to respect the other’s opinions and beliefs? Absolutely.
I love my sister. I pray every night that she’ll change her mind and return to the LDS Church. I have not once, and I will not (unless she invites me to) ask her to do something she no longer believes in. I support her new ideals and values, because that is what she chooses to do. But I expect the same respect from her. She knows not to belittle my beliefs to me. Not to argue the things I hold most sacred.
I love her and I recognize and support her choices. Does this mean I’ll donate money to her church of the week? Hell no. Will I stop supporting the LDS missionary fund? No. I can have my choices and beliefs and respect hers as well.
Having differences and learning to recognize and respect them is difficult, but has brought us closer together than ever before.
I know it isn’t easy for you. Good luck.
November 11th, 2008 at 12:57 am
I’ve found that Facebook especially has made it hard to be friends with people I fundamentally and on almost every level disagree with. It has also helped me be better friends with people I didn’t know quite as well before.
All in all, I think I am better friends with people I actually like, and have stopped being “friends” with people I found out I was never really friends to begin with.
November 11th, 2008 at 10:27 am
Life is like a train ride (I’m stealing this analogy from an email I saw). People get on, ride a little way with you, then get off maybe to board again, or maybe not. I had an experience this week which I will briefly share. When I was a teenager I had a boyfriend, and at this young age I thought I could never live without him. After High School I never saw him nor heard from him again, until last week. He found me on Facebook, and told me of the great impact I had on his life, etc. But when we knew each other, one thing I didn’t know is that his step father was abusing him (the bastard), so when he was with me, he felt safe & secure. I think that is why he contacted me. But the contact dredged up not only our feelings for each other, but also everything else that was going on for him at the time.
Obviously we are worlds apart after not seeing each other for 30 years, and we now have little in common, except for the intense teenage love.
Am I glad he was able to contact me, yes, but will we continue to be in contact, probably not. I guess my train ride with him, no matter how intense it was, was a one way ticket, for now anyway.
My point is, and I do have one, is that if we no longer have things in common with people, what is the harm in moving on to others that we do? Maybe down the road it will change and we will meet again.
November 11th, 2008 at 9:11 pm
Tash, it’s true that acquaintances like the one I’ve described were probably doomed to fail eventually. But I can’t help but wonder, if we hadn’t rubbed each other’s noses in our differences—so to speak—if it wouldn’t have lasted longer. Maybe even long enough for us to find common ground again? But then, I am a worrier and a what-if-er, and I need to stop.
You have a much healthier attitude towards both Facebook friends and family than I do, btw. I hoard my Facebook friends and keep them close, and I go months and months and months without acknowledging my family. Maybe I have my priorities a little backward?
I almost wish I didn’t know about them, that way I could at least think that some of my old mission companions were still cool
Bart, I feel the same way about a lot of the people I’ve reconnected with. But then, I guess a lot of the people I knew on my mission feel the same way about me… “Elder Tibbitts used to be so cool, but now he’s a bitter gay ex-Mormon.”
It is so frustrating that people can’t apply the Golden Rule to this thing… well a LOT of things. They would NEVER want to be treated the way they’re treating others.
The hard part is that a lot of them think they are applying the Golden Rule, because they sincerely think that if they were in a homosexual’s (or any sinner’s) shoes, they would want to be saved from their iniquity. When in point of fact, if they were us, they would be just as aggravated and feel just as alienated as we do.
Wendy, I definitely agree that there ought to be a lot more live and let live and a lot less shoulding. The desire to control others—for good or bad reasons—is very strong in a lot of people. I have to fight against control-freak-iness myself, although I fall afoul of it a lot less now that I’m not a Priesthood Holder.
Also: I just realized that I have Facebook to thank for reconnecting with you, and with a lot of other really cool people. So… there are definitely positives I should be taking into consideration as well. :D
Welcome to the blog, erinannie! Your comment really touched me. Your fight to preserve your relationship with your sister even after she and her husband left the Mormon church gives me hope that one or more members of my family will fight similarly to stay connected to me.
Your siblings know you inside and out.
I’m not really sure they do. Since I came out to them, my mother and my older sister have both done things that have made me question how well we really knew each other, and whether, frankly, I wanted to know them at all. As for my younger siblings, I knew them as children, but several of them are now adults—and I don’t feel like I know them as adults at all. So a large part of what I know about them is what I see them do on Facebook. Including joining “Protect Marriage: One Man, One Woman” causes.
Craig, that is true… I have hundreds of Facebook friends, but I’m only really friends with a very small percentage of them. Maybe it’s time to conduct an emotionless, unsentimental purge.
Daisy, thanks for sharing your story. I wonder who will remember me that positively in thirty years.
November 11th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
Just remember this one thing- you had your own internal struggle (i’m assuming) when you chose to come out and leave the gospel as you had been taught it behind. Your family also has to go through their own struggle now. They have to learn how to continue to love you, while they continue to fight for things they believe in. It isn’t easy. There is a major line of hypocrisy there. They see it and you see it. And everyone is trying to find that balance, and deciding which “thing” they will love more, or cling to more. For your family it is deciding if they will follow the Prophet (which at one point in your life you did as well, and it will be easier for you (i think) if you dig down inside yourself and remember what it takes to make that decision, so that you can relate to them), or accept your lifestyle. For you it is going to be the battle of loving them, and not hating them, for doing what it is they have always done, which unfortunately contradicts with you. They will also have to find a way to relate to you and love you.
I’m trying for all I am worth to not add the word “anyway” at the end of my statements. Because the one thing I have learned is that the “anyway” is a temporary thing. I didn’t learn to love my sister anyway. At first I did love her in spite of her choices anyway. (Ok, now anyway is just turning into a very strange looking word to me.) But then over time, I just loved her. I don’t love her in spite of things. I love her because I love her.
It doesn’t happen overnight. For me it took about 3 years. I love my sister. Now, the next battle is to learn to love her husband. After all, he’s the evil creep who married her, moved her to the other side of the country, and then (in my imagination, although the fact indicate otherwise) corrupted her and turned her against the LDS church. I kinda hate the guy. But its time for me to learn to love him.
Your family will fight a similar battle, because you are worth fighting for. And you’ll do the same for them when you are ready, because you know your family is worth keeping.
November 13th, 2008 at 3:34 am
That’s an interesting point, Sean. I hadn’t thought of the whole “treat others as you would be treated” thing in this light. It’s interesting that these people think they are “helping” to “rehabilitate” us. Even the fact that we don’t want to be helped or rehabilitated (and don’t feel we need to be) is presumably seem as merely symptomatic of our affliction as a whole.
I do hope I don’t become a victim of the purge…!
November 16th, 2008 at 1:52 am
This week, two acquaintances – one online, one in person – tried to pick arguments with me over the Prop 8 protests. Both were from out of the blue, and both led me to realize that I can have no further truck with either person.
Because one was a mutual acquaintance of ours who might read your blog, I’ll refrain from going into details, though I was dumbstruck by the naiveté shown and amazed at how much this person and I had diverged over the years.
Then, on Thursday, my Catholic game night host emboldened by his latest persecution complex decided to make me a foil by asking what I thought of protesters at the LA temple – knowing that I’m ex-Mormon. He then went on a screed about religious persecution. While I countered his points eruditely and calmly, I see no reason to return to his game night. His cornering me was ungentlemanly and unsporting as a host and left me and his other guests uncomfortable.
So I guess I don’t think it makes much difference how the revelation of your views came about, nor the immediacy involved. Sooner or later, I suspect you would have discovered these points about each other. It’s possible if you were face-to-face, the blow might have been mitigated, but I doubt it.
November 17th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
I think about this a lot. My family raised me to be religious and open-minded; I am not too big on the religion anymore but feel pretty good about both open-mindedness and tolerance.
My father and step-mother decided recently to go back to church, mostly on the advice of my step-sister who is an evangelical christian. And, to be honest, there are several great things about this: the service (they make dinner at a local support center for people with severe illness, which my dad would never have done previously); the structure, which is helpful for my stepmom; and parts of the community. However, the hardest part has been their changing values. The political talk in my step-mom’s bible group is very focused and narrow, the materials they distribute are akin to the Prop 8 discussion and take strong, simple positions on topics like the Muslim world.
When this is discussed in our visits, my first reaction is to get mad. The expression of that anger is not really appropriate, nor is it helpful to our discussion, so I hold it back. I have other opportunities to express it, and I do. Instead, I focus on what I can with them and try to move things forward.
Since it is clear from your discussion that it means a great deal for you to discuss these issues openly, to make them broadly heard, then that option (one so often taken in the past ) is not available. What is the facebook solution to them?
I think it is fairly simple. We must all be disciplined in what we dwell on and how we approach others. Just reading that you were against Prop 8 should be enough for your friend to say that you have disagreement about this issue; is it worth engaging in heated discussion over the internet? If you were face to face, could you then find some common ground, focusing on the positive elements? When my mom sends me lies (yes, lies) about this issue or that one, should I become angry? Or should I accept that she is different and welcome the opportunity to discuss, as I can, what I see as deliberate falsehoods. Therefore, I don’t need to dwell on these differences with this person now, but instead remember that I have different opinions than them and to stop reading the discussion, to stop fixating on their wall, and to instead move myself forward.
The true loss is not the facebook friend. No, the loss is our inability to have some connection, even for a moment, with someone due to the differences in our opinions.
As we see into the hearts of our friends and neighbors with these tools, I think we have to always remember that we are not seeing all of them, but just a piece, and that the broader context of the individual must help us to reconcile our anger about their words with our beliefs in humanity.
November 20th, 2008 at 2:11 am
Interesting post and comments. I have nothing personal to add here, except to say I have moved on from friends who feel the need to push their beliefs on me. I think it all boils down to one thing – respect. Having varying views is normal, but to push your beliefs, force conversation or try to “save” someone else who has made it clear they disagree with you is disrespectful. I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who treated me in a disrespectful way. It is always sad to “lose” friends, but you can’t change them anymore than they could have changed you.
December 2nd, 2008 at 4:51 am
I found your blog through a comment you left on erinannie’s. I’ve been dealing a lot with what you post about here, in a couple of ways, and it just goes to show that it can be any belief, whether it’s religious or political, that can feel overbearing to a loved one or friend who feels differently. Most recently, my cousin, who is gay, is my FB friend, and very involved in the same causes you’re talking about in your blog here. Which is fine—he’s got his beliefs and I’ve got mine, and I still think we can hang out and play video games at Grandma’s and have a good time together and connect as family, as Erinannie mentioned above.
The problem comes when he posts inflammatory things about Mormons (of whom I am the only one he knows—he grew up evangelical Christian) instead of having a civil conversation with me. For the most part I just ignored them—I do believe in living and letting live—but having that kind of acridity show up on my feed every day hurt my feelings and I don’t even think he realized who his audience was, you know?
This is the danger of Facebook, I suppose–and one reason why I tend to stay out of politics on Facebook because I have friends on there from every walk of life, political and religious persuasion, and sexual preference, and it’s just better to not get into it on a mass basis because those conversations don’t carry the intimacy and personal connection of a face-to-face conversation. We say things on the internet we’d never think polite conversation in person.
Out of that came a conversation in which we realized we actually agree on several points, and him coming to understand how the *way* he said things hurt me. Bringing it down to an individual level can sometimes open up the understanding we seek and just can’t find on the mass Facebook level, you know? Through this and through coming over the years to find a better place with my siblings (who aren’t Mormon anymore), I’ve found that when it comes to family, especially, it’s very easy to say “he needs to learn to live the Golden Rule” and much harder to approach the person and mend the gap, or build a bridge because we can’t build the chasm. ;)
I think my family is constantly re-learning to concentrate on the positives, the things we connect over, and to openly discuss the things we disagree on in a more diplomatic way, learning to avoid accusations and to separate our selves from the other, if that makes sense: his/her choices are not mine, I have no responsibility or guilt for them, nor do they for me. But we dohave a responsibility to love each other and to treat each other with respect.
I hope that this long and windy post conveys what I’m trying to say: it doesn’t matter if you have different opinions, even fundamental differences in your very being. I think part of growing up is figuring out how to navigate those differences while still connecting with each other. It’s probably easier to do with family than with friends, in a way—you *have* to stay connected with your family, but friends, like the commenter above said, can leave the train anytime. But for the people who you are connected with deeply, I think it’s entirely possible to find the bridge, even if it takes a while to build it.
December 25th, 2008 at 1:20 am
i, too, have “lost” friends or at least some level of friendship over this very issue. it’s sad, but i think we all have to be honest about it. i don’t mind a difference in opinion on things, but i cannot tolerate blatant refusal of human rights in legal terms. be against homsexuality, i don’t care, but don’t allow your beliefs to deprive others. i will still love those friends, and honestly if they ever need something, i will be there, but i cannot maintain an active relationship with the majority of them.