Why I Am an Outspoken Gay
“Why not just shut the he!! up about your sexual proclivity and become productive members of society.” (online comment on a recent news article about marriage equality)
Gays and gay-rights activists hear it all the time. “Why do you talk about your sexual preference all the time? You guys are sex-obsessed. You don’t hear us [heterosexuals] talking about that stuff!”
There are two responses to that: heterosexuals exhibit their sexual preference constantly, all the time, but don’t notice it; and in other cases, heterosexuals don’t need to make their sexual preference clear because theirs is the default/assumed orientation. American society (like most/all societies the world over) is deeply, fundamentally heteronormative. As with other kinds of privilege and bias, it is invisible to the majority, and may even be invisible to many in the homosexual minority. But think about it for a minute.
If you are heterosexual, you may have had to make a decision about when to tell people you are married/seeing someone. But if you are homosexual, talking about your significant other to people who don’t know you are gay is coming out. (In some places, such as the wonderful state I live in, it can get you fired or evicted. For instance.) Ditto to putting photos of your family on your desk at work or bringing your significant other to social functions.
If you are heterosexual, you grew up listening to stories and music that reaffirmed your sexual orientation again and again. If you are homosexual, you almost certainly did not. Love songs are overwhelmingly about heterosexual love. So are fairy tales. So are romance novels, and the love stories in films, and the love stories/marriages in religious texts.
If you are heterosexual, you have never worried about whether it’s safe to hold hands with your significant other in public because of his/her gender. If you are homosexual, that may be all you could think about the first time you went out on a date.
If you are heterosexual, your parents probably have the same sexual orientation you do. In fact, almost everyone you’ve known since you were a baby has had that same sexual orientation. If you are homosexual, this is almost certainly not the case.
If you are heterosexual, you probably have never been asked when you chose to be that way, or been told/had it implied that your sexual orientation is a choice and/or a sin. (If you have, it was probably a gay person ironically turning the tables on you.)
If you are heterosexual, you’ve probably never had to “come out” about your sexual orientation. If you have, those situation are probably few and far between (say, at a predominately gay party). If you are homosexual and you want to be out, you must constantly come out.
Gay people will always be a minority, wild-eyed religious/conservative rhetoric notwithstanding, which means that society will always be mostly heterosexual. But that doesn’t mean society needs to be heteronormative and heterosexist. And the way to try to achieve a mostly-heterosexual-but-not-heteronormative society is if gay people and gay allies make themselves known and make themselves heard.
Happy LGBT Pride Month. Come out as gay or as a gay ally today. Speak out. Make a difference.
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June 7th, 2009 at 11:15 am
Nice post. Happy Pride month.
MoHoHawaii’s last blog post… Friends as family
June 7th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Happy Pride Month to you, too!
June 7th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Very good post.
June 7th, 2009 at 10:02 pm
A number of times conservative acquaintances have complained about the way homosexuals like to “flaunt their sexuality” in public. When I pressure them to give examples (what, are they publicly exposing their genitalia? Trying to have sex on their front lawns? Seducing innocents at the library?), they ultimately point to the fact that “the homosexuals” like to brazenly hold hands, hug, or maybe kiss in public. Shocking! When heteros do the same thing, it’s normal, but for gays, it’s “flaunting.” They seem incapable of understanding the hypocrisy of this attitude, or that the desire of homosexuals to be able to openly express their affection for their lovers is no different than that of heteros–no, it’s either part of some sexual obsession (as if most hetero guys aren’t obsessed with sex) or part of some nefarious plot.
Until mainstream society drops this double standard and the heteronormative (love the phrase!) bigotry, you’d damned well better continue to be outspoken about being gay.
Derek’s last blog post… Homosexual Marriage and Social Engineering
June 7th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
Whoops…Forgot to check follow-up e-mail notification. Just ignore this, nothing to see here.
Derek’s last blog post… Homosexual Marriage and Social Engineering
June 8th, 2009 at 2:16 am
Great post and good points all. Recently I was writing a short story and I suddenly realised that (a) I rarely write anything with gay main characters and (b) that there was no plot-related reason for this story not to. So now the main character’s love interest is a girl instead of a guy. At first I was surprised how easily it translated and then suddenly I wasn’t surprised at all.
June 8th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
It is not my partner’s gender that makes me not want to hold his hand in public, it is mine. Don’t blame the other when it is your beliefs that are the problem.
Lovely post.
June 9th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
I feel this way about being an atheist. A lot of people think atheists are going out of their way to be a pain in the ass for no good reason, but really it’s out of the hope of one day we will be treated with equal respect.
Anyone who challenges the current ways of doing things will be looked at with disdain by some people though.
June 10th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
alana, there are a lot of parallels between the gay and the atheist experience in America. Maybe I should write a blog post about that, too?
June 30th, 2009 at 8:04 pm
Go for it. Atheists need more exposure as a whole I think, especially in Utah. (Though there was a Utah Atheists booth at Pride.)
I was shocked when I first moved here and realized the people I worked with had never known an atheist (at least one so vocal). It’s kind of corny but it made me feel good to show them that most of the things they had been told about atheism were completely false and that god does not have a monopoly on morality.
alana´s last blog ..Why what Dr. Tiller stood for – and his muder – is still relevant