Alone and Unobserved

I’m at the reference desk, helping a female patron place a hold on a French language-learning CD program, when a creepy, greasy-looking male patron walks up. I will call him “Weirdo,” for reasons that will become obvious.

Weirdo (sees a French CD program in Patron’s hand)
Tu parles français?

Patron
…

Weirdo
That means ‘do you speak French.’

Patron
Oh. No. Not yet.

Weirdo (indicating my name tag)
He speaks French.

Patron
Yup.
(to me)
So how will I know when this is ready for me to pick up? Will they call, or will I get an email, or…?

Weirdo (to Patron)
Je parle allemand.

Me (to Patron)
It looks like you’ll receive an automated call. Do you prefer email?

Weirdo (to Patron)
D’you know what that means?

Patron (to Weirdo)
No.
(to me)
Yes.

Weirdo
It means ‘I speak German.’

Me (to Patron)
What’s your email address? …wait, why don’t you write it down? That’s easier.

Patron writes down her email address and I add it to her account.

Me
All right, we’ll send you an email when that item is in for you.

She leaves. Weirdo eyes the paper with her email address on it. I tear it up into tiny little pieces and throw it away behind the desk.

Me (to Weirdo)
Can I help you?

Weirdo
Ich suche ein Sprachkurs. Fur Spanisch.

Me (in English)
What level?

Weirdo
Fur Anfang. Uh, Anfanger.

Me
All right. That’s right over here.

Weirdo (points at my name tag again)
It says you speak German. Why won’t you speak German to me?

Me
Because you speak English.

Weirdo
Uh, a little bit.

Me (to myself)
And because your German is TERRIBLE.