Tell me there’s no one left to tell
Something I constantly wonder: how could anyone meet me (let alone know me for any length of time) and not know I’m gay?
Really what this is about is my perennial wish to never have to tell family members, or former Mormon acquaintances, or old roommates, that I’m gay. Because it’s always awkward. They start reviewing every interaction they’ve ever had with me (I can see them doing it in their heads!) and the straight guys feel weird because what if I thought dirty thoughts about them! and everyone feels betrayed and on and on and on. Basically, I want to feel certain that anyone who knew me before I came out of the closet already knew and therefore already knows and therefore doesn’t need me to tell them.
Bleh. Whatever! Surely there’s no one left who doesn’t know. Right?
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July 10th, 2010 at 2:16 pm
It’s also somewhat of a bore to have to go through the same song and dance with new people you meet, though. You assume that “it’s obvious” and months later find out “I had no idea — why didn’t you tell me” — not that it usually an issue, but still annoying.
July 10th, 2010 at 3:01 pm
“How could anyone meet me (let alone know me for any length of time) and not know I’m gay?”
Honestly? I don’t think I knew until maybe a year or two after we met at work. I just didn’t think about it. I think it was probably something you said that made me realize, “oh, I guess he’s gay.” Did you notice that? Any awkward moment?
Maybe I have miserable “gaydar.” Or maybe I just refuse to see. I had a history professor in college who fit virtually every stereotype, but despite some tittering among students, I never bothered to make that conclusion because 1) I don’t believe in stereotypes, and 2) it was utterly irrelevant to our relationship as teacher/student.
Maybe you fit some stereotypes, but is that really significant in people knowing you are gay, in accurately identifying your sexuality? In your experience, do a majority of the gay community fit the stereotypes?
July 10th, 2010 at 3:02 pm
Steve, it’s true, clueing new acquaintances in can be a bother, too. That’s one reason why I try to live and talk so openly that if they don’t catch on I can legitimately claim that it’s their fault. :D
I’ve mentioned this before, but one of the annoying things straight guys tend to do is when I make some remark that outs me, they stumble all over themselves roadside me—and anyone else listening—that they’re NOT GAY. I’m still not sure why they do this; do they think I’m hitting on them/interested in them, and they’re trying to head me off? Do they think my casually saying something “gay” around them implies I think *they* are gay? I’m still not sure how to interpret that.
Derek, the original post was more about people who knew me when I was still in the closet, when all my friends were girls, I was even more effeminate than I am now and was also very much into dance and choir. And yes, I think it’s completely reasonable to form a provisional opinion of someone’s sexuality based on the evidence at hand—since I certainly don’t believe the “default” assumption should be that the person is straight, which is generally the case now—even if that evidence is stereotypical. I don’t think it’s an insult to assume that an effeminate guy who likes dancing, musicals, choir and whatnot is gay. I wouldn’t make a whole lot of decisions based on that assumption without more evidence, but yes, I think the assumption is warranted.
July 10th, 2010 at 3:24 pm
What?! You’re GAY?!
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July 10th, 2010 at 11:20 pm
I agree that the default assumption shouldn’t be hetero. Does is it necessary for there to be any assumption about sexuality?
I take it you are saying that there is some validity to the stereotypes in your experience?
Interestingly, while I never noticed anything particularly effeminate about you before I became ware that you were gay, I did seem to notice some since. Makes me wonder: am I noticing them now because I know you’re gay, or am I just subconsciously interpreting some things as effeminate *because* I know you’re gay?
I say all this as someone who has himself been accused at various times of being less than masculine myself. I’m really irked by gender stereotypes as a result. I wish we could all act as comes naturally without any categorizations of feminine and masculine or pressure to fit a given category. Hope this exploration of a thorny topic isn’t annoying.
July 11th, 2010 at 6:32 am
I’ve been attracted to a gay guy before I knew he was gay. It was never going anywhere. He was my boss. Straight men might be paranoid that you are having dirty thoughts about them, but they can have their paranoia. There are tons of men who I would never give a second thought to and yet they continually pursue me. Sorry that it can be awkward to tell people, but not everyone has a good “gaydar.”
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July 12th, 2010 at 12:51 am
Hmm. Don’t you mean, you wish they would stop behaving so awkwardly once they know? I mean, if I understand you correctly, this wish that they had known already is only to avoid being, in essence, humiliated by their weird behaviour, right? Wishing that you could just skip that step BY THEM BEING INFORMED AHEAD OF TIME sounds a lot like you are assuming that their annoying, panicky, homophobic behaviour is unavoidable, so you just wish you had already gotten past that. Like saying, if peeps keep breaking into my appartment and stealing my stuff, I just wish I had left the door open and kept everything valuable on the front shelf, so the burglars wouldn’t have to break my bood and ransack my place and leave me with the repairs and cleaning up. But really, they shouldn’t bloody be breaking in in the first place.
It’s like the argument over on Rob’s waking up blog, about whether it makes a difference if being gay is a choice or not. It shouldn’t be a bloody question – or if at all, only a purely scientific one. Because no matter if it is a choice or not, it should be everybody’s right to chose their (consenting) romantic partners freely.
If you are wishing that the world would be different and less hurtful, go ahead, wish that the (even mildly) homophobes grow up and get over themselves. Don’t wish you were different to accomodate their shortcomings.
:)
July 24th, 2010 at 3:01 pm
Martin, I love what you said. Its so funny how issues get all turned upside and someone actually needs to point out the obvious to us who have gotten side tracked. I was completely convinced that I, like Sean, needed to do something more to make other people comfortable but using your logic its really their issue, not mine.
Sean- You know what you said about how its really annoying to you how guys always after saying your gay jump to point out that they are not?
Its their issue. They are worried about themselves, not really thinking about you. Try to give yourself a mental hug and wash the taste out of your mouth by remembering the people who like and care about you.
Hugs
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