Alone and Unobserved

When we see a man kissing another man, the preconceived associations in the hidden brain tell most Americans that this is not what men do. Of course, we can quickly shush our hidden brain and act blasé. But when we are juggling many things, when we are under pressure, or when we are simply busy doing something else, it becomes difficult to suppress the automatic associations of the hidden brain. At such times, the hidden brain’s rapid conclusions about the world become especially powerful. If we are asked to make a judgment about these men in some other context—their job performance, for example—we may get the feeling they are not quite right for the job without knowing how we leaped to that conclusion.

When I say “we” have automatic biases about gay people, I really do mean everyone—straight people and gay people. Just as black children tend to have positive associations with white faces rather than black faces, gay people can unconsciously harbor the same associations as straight people. This should not be cause for surprise: Gays usually see many more straight families than gay families in real life, on TV, and in books. If the hidden brain learns through repetition, why would the unconscious associations of gay people be much different from the unconscious associations of straight people?
(Shankar Vedantam, The Hidden Brain: How Our Unconscious Minds Elect Presidents, Control Markets, Wage Wars, and Save Our Lives, p. 74)

We have a long, long way to go.

“Why not just shut the he!! up about your sexual proclivity and become productive members of society.” (online comment on a recent news article about marriage equality)

Gays and gay-rights activists hear it all the time. “Why do you talk about your sexual preference all the time? You guys are sex-obsessed. You don’t hear us [heterosexuals] talking about that stuff!”

There are two responses to that: heterosexuals exhibit their sexual preference constantly, all the time, but don’t notice it; and in other cases, heterosexuals don’t need to make their sexual preference clear because theirs is the default/assumed orientation. American society (like most/all societies the world over) is deeply, fundamentally heteronormative. As with other kinds of privilege and bias, it is invisible to the majority, and may even be invisible to many in the homosexual minority. But think about it for a minute.

If you are heterosexual, you may have had to make a decision about when to tell people you are married/seeing someone. But if you are homosexual, talking about your significant other to people who don’t know you are gay is coming out. (In some places, such as the wonderful state I live in, it can get you fired or evicted. For instance.) Ditto to putting photos of your family on your desk at work or bringing your significant other to social functions.

If you are heterosexual, you grew up listening to stories and music that reaffirmed your sexual orientation again and again. If you are homosexual, you almost certainly did not. Love songs are overwhelmingly about heterosexual love. So are fairy tales. So are romance novels, and the love stories in films, and the love stories/marriages in religious texts.

If you are heterosexual, you have never worried about whether it’s safe to hold hands with your significant other in public because of his/her gender. If you are homosexual, that may be all you could think about the first time you went out on a date.

If you are heterosexual, your parents probably have the same sexual orientation you do. In fact, almost everyone you’ve known since you were a baby has had that same sexual orientation. If you are homosexual, this is almost certainly not the case.

If you are heterosexual, you probably have never been asked when you chose to be that way, or been told/had it implied that your sexual orientation is a choice and/or a sin. (If you have, it was probably a gay person ironically turning the tables on you.)

If you are heterosexual, you’ve probably never had to “come out” about your sexual orientation. If you have, those situation are probably few and far between (say, at a predominately gay party). If you are homosexual and you want to be out, you must constantly come out.

Gay people will always be a minority, wild-eyed religious/conservative rhetoric notwithstanding, which means that society will always be mostly heterosexual. But that doesn’t mean society needs to be heteronormative and heterosexist. And the way to try to achieve a mostly-heterosexual-but-not-heteronormative society is if gay people and gay allies make themselves known and make themselves heard.

Happy LGBT Pride Month. Come out as gay or as a gay ally today. Speak out. Make a difference.

Latest in the popular series “Things Patrons Do and Say that Annoy the Shit out of Me” is an episode that happened last night.

Presumptuous Patron: I have a pronunciation question for you.
Me: In which language?
PP: English. First, though—are you gay?
Me: …yes.
PP: I thought so. I work with a wonderful gay man. He’s happily partnered, though, so you can’t have him. [Cracks up at her own wit.]
Me: Oookay…
PP: When he is doing business, the way he pronounces his words, his preference isn’t obvious. When he talks with other gay men it is, but not at work.
Me: Um…
PP: Sometimes, when you talk, the way you pronounce things, your preference is really obvious.
Me: You know what? I’m not comfortable with this discussion.
PP: Well, do you want your preference to be obvious?
Me: I’m not comfortable with this discussion.
PP: All I’m saying is…
Me: I’m not comfortable with this discussion. [I walk away.]
PP: [Called after me] I didn’t mean to offend or make you angry!

This patron apparently had good intentions. She only meant to be helpful, after all! And of course she couldn’t know my history of repression, the years of trying and failing to pass as straight, to be straight, and how I finally came out of the closet and learned to accept myself for who I am. In short, she doesn’t know me—which is exactly why she shouldn’t have brought up the subject at all.

An hour later, I was watching the wonderful new Gus van Sant movie, MILK, in which Harvey Milk calls for all American gays and lesbians to come out of the closet, to stop hiding who they are, to make their presence known. The film is truly excellent, and timely as well: Milk’s main fight was against Prop 6, a referendum that would have allowed schools to fire gay teachers as well as those who supported gays or gay rights. Prop 6 failed, against all odds. Three weeks ago, we lost the fight against California’s Prop 8, in which a lot of the same rhetoric about “protecting the children” and “recruiting” and “teaching homosexuality in schools” returned to haunt us. Milk’s example is inspiring, and the movie reminds us never to stop fighting.

My name is Sean Tibbitts, and I am here to recruit you!

At my birthday party last night—YES, IT WAS AWESOME—I got into a conversation with a friend about belief, atheism, and leaving Mormonism. Both of us have resigned from the Mormon church, and both of us have had to break that news to our parents, and we compared stories of how our mothers had reacted to the news.

That conversation made me remember the I wrote to my parents when I resigned, and I realized I hadn’t looked at it since I sent it three years ago, and that I only had a hazy idea of what I had actually put in it. Turns out it was pretty long and detailed! It also turns out that it does not at all resemble the kind of letter (or blog post) I would write today if someone asked me to explain why I am no longer Mormon. But I’m glad I still have it, because the guy who wrote it three years ago was in a very hard place, and that letter (as well as the earliest posts in this blog) keep me from forgetting that he existed.

And then it occurred to me that I had never posted that letter on my blog for the whole world to peruse! So here it is. (Be kind. I was only twenty-four—the merest child.)

Dear Mom and Dad,

This letter is for you. Once you’ve read it you can decide how much of it you want to share with the kids, but I wrote it to you.

I want to tell you something you may not know about me. As I was growing up, starting when I was fairly young (about five or six), I suffered from mild-to-severe depression and anxiety. This continued all through my teenage years and into my mission. On my mission the anxiety and obsessive-compulsive elements became so strong that I began to have panic attacks, and almost decided to go home multiple times. When I asked for help, I was told that a good missionary would be able to overcome such problems with prayer. Things did get better, for whatever reason, and I was able to complete my mission.

After my mission things quickly became much worse. Even though I was praying and fasting and reading my scriptures, my depression, anxiety and self-hate continued to grow stronger, to the point where I even considered suicide. I saw a therapist, but that didn’t help—in fact, it made it worse. I saw a doctor, and he prescribed medication, which did help. Unfortunately, the side effects were so intolerable that I decided I had to learn to function without drugs.

When I asked myself why I was so depressed, I realized it was because I hated myself. I really, truly did. When I asked why, I realized it was because I was torn between my own nature and the teachings of the LDS church. I told you several years ago that I was attracted to men, but I’m not sure either of you understood how pervasive and fundamental a thing that is in a person’s life. I grew up being told that I was supposed to fall in love with and marry a woman, but that was something that only puzzled and horrified me. On the other hand, the idea of falling in love with a man was completely familiar and attractive to me from an very young age. When I really thought about it, I realized that I completely disagreed with the teachings of the LDS church on this subject: I did not think that homosexuality or homosexual relationships were any less valid than heterosexuality or heterosexual relationships.

I realized that I had always been afraid to question my beliefs; in fact, a great deal of my obsessions and compulsions centered around religious matters and making sure that I never wavered in my “faith.” As I began to hold my beliefs up to the light and seriously ask myself if I still accepted them, one by one they turned out to be nothing more than determination to believe, instead of actual belief. When I questioned them honestly they vanished, instead of growing stronger as I was always told true faith will.

This went on for a while. The short of it is, I now consider myself an atheist. I no longer hold any religious beliefs whatever. I accept myself as a gay man. I no longer hate myself, and no longer suffer from serious depression or anxiety. My obsessions and compulsions are now almost gone. I see this as a positive step, and think I have a happy, fulfilling life ahead of me.

I am dating men. All the things that were lacking in my interactions with women are available to me with men—mutual attraction, love, and devotion. I am interested in gay marriage rights, and am considering becoming politically active in the push for marriage equality in America.

As I no longer believe in the LDS church, and am in fact actively opposed to many of its teachings, I am drafting an letter officially resigning my membership. I plan on sending it right after I send you this letter. I know you asked me to only write you about uplifting stuff, but I figured you would want to hear this from me rather than from someone else.

I love you, Mom and Dad, and hope you will understand. If you don’t (and I know this is hard to swallow all in one bite) think it over carefully, and then call me if you have any questions. One thing I’ve missed a lot is a close relationship with you, and I hope we can take this opportunity to be honest with each other and grow even closer. I don’t expect you to agree with my decisions, and I respect that. I hope you can respect my right to make such decisions anyway.

With love,
Your son
Sean

P.S. Call me even if you don’t have any questions.

In honor of Transgender Awareness Day, I’d like to take this opportunity to come out of the closet.

I am a supporter of transgender rights. First, I support the existence of transgender people. The gender binary—where everyone is slotted into either “male” or “female” roles, with societally approved modes of expression and activities—is false. It does not describe reality, no matter how much certain religions talk about the sacred eternal nature of the gendered soul. Being transgender is not a disease, it is not a perversion, and it is not a disorder.

Second, I support the equality of transgender people. In many states and jurisdictions (including my own) it is still legal to fire transgender people from their job or evict them from their homes simply because of their gender identity or gender expression. Trangender people are many times more likely to be murdered than a cisgender person, and they are also far more likely to be poor, unemployed, depressed and homeless.

I would also like to come out in another sense: I am transgender. I do not consider myself exclusively male or exclusively female, and I never have. It’s time for me to be open about that. Some days, sometimes, I feel very masculine; some days, sometimes, I feel very feminine; and most of the time I feel pretty androgynous. Sure, I usually wear what our society deems “male” clothing, and I have a “male” haircut and hairstyle, and people use the pronouns “he,” “him” and “his” to describe me. But a lot of that is me trying to cover up who I really am: a person with a fairly fluid, non-traditional gender identity.

What is your gender identity? What are your thoughts on transgender issues? Will you come out today as an ally or as a transgendered individual?

That I’m in contact with any of my old friends is a miracle—specifically a Facebook miracle. It’s thanks to Facebook that I’m still in touch with former roommates, former BYU friends, former dance partners, former fellow grad students, former coworkers, former professors and former boyfriends, as well as cousins, aunts, online acquaintances, fellow atheists, fellow ex-Mormons, fellow gays and so on and so forth.

I’m beginning to wonder if this is really a good thing. I just lost a friend, primarily because of what each of us has posted openly online (see the comments on this post). She is a practicing, faithful Mormon who supported Prop 8 and who opposes same-sex marriage because she believes homosexual sex is a sin. In fact, like many other Mormons and many fundamentalist Christians, she doesn’t even believe homosexuality exists, per se. She has written a great deal about her views on her blog.

I, on the other hand, am a confirmed atheist ex-Mormon gay man who believes the Mormon church is a man-made organization that is characterized by bigotry, lies and self-righteousness. I believe Proposition 8 was motivated by intolerance and deception and homophobia, and that the Mormon church bears a great deal of the blame for its passing. Just last weekend I participated in a protest against the Mormon church’s opposition to gay rights and support of Prop 8. I have also made no secret of any of these things on my blog.

So she found my blog and was horrified and upset by what she found here, and I found her blog and was horrified and upset in my turn. I wrote a blog post in which I speculated cynically about the true reasons behind the Mormon church and its members’ opposition to gay marriage. She wrote a hurtful comment in response, in which she questioned my integrity and called me bitter and closed-minded. I wrote a cold rebuttal, which I closed by stating that I didn’t feel much friendship for her anymore. She agreed.

Are there some former acquaintanceships that are worth preserving, at least for nostalgia’s sake, but which are too fragile to handle the constant barrage of truth and stream-of-consciousness honesty that accompany an online relationship? Would Summer and I still consider ourselves “friends” if neither of us had a blog and neither of us was on Facebook? Is it possible to preserve a friendship by willfully refusing to know the truth about another person?

Just a few years ago, Summer’s devotion to the Mormon church and opposition to same-sex marriage would have been things we had in common, not things that drove us apart or set us at odds. People change. Our ideas of what friendship is also change.

And then there is my family. I don’t really discuss these subjects with them, but I’m Facebook friends with several of my siblings, and I’ve seen their status updates and the causes they’ve joined. And I’m sure they’ve seen my statuses and notes and causes. How is it possible to preserve a relationship, knowing what we know about each other?

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pvfexvihri8&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=en&fs=1]

[Via yes, i am and others]

I filled out a BYU alumni survey tonight. The questions and structure felt much more official and “party-line toeing” than the phone survey I blogged about a couple years ago, so there were some places where I didn’t feel like there was an answer that fit me—whoever wrote the survey apparently didn’t foresee the possibility that any gay ex-Mormons would respond, or didn’t care to prepare for that eventuality by including responses the would fit such persons. Nonetheless, I filled it out as honestly as I could, and even responded to the two open-ended questions at the end with mini-essays on why I despised my time at BYU and would never go back. I’m sure my efforts at communicating my experience will fall on deaf ears, but as a personal exercise it was somewhat cathartic.

The survey was divided into sections that correspond to the official “Aims of a BYU Education,” i.e.,

A BYU education should be (1) spiritually strengthening, (2) intellectually enlarging, and (3) character building, leading to (4) lifelong learning and service.

The “Spiritually Strengthening” section consisted of a series of deeply disturbing statements, such as “Each day I accept the gift of grace through Christ’s Atonement.” Um, can you get any more nauseating? Or more Protestant?? Not that there’s anything more wrong with Protestantism than Mormonism, of course.

As for the other sections, it was interesting to see what subjects/achievements/attributes/skills fell under which heading.

Subjects that BYU considers to be “intellectually enlarging,” according to the survey:

LDS History and Doctrine
“How confident are you in your understanding of the following?”

• “The basic doctrines of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as taught by priesthood authorities and the scriptures”
• “The origin and historical development of each of the four standard works”—i.e., have you heard the one about Joseph Smith translating the gold plates by looking at a “seer stone” in his hat?
• “The historical development of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in the 19th century”—i.e., have you heard the real story of the institution of polygamy?

Scriptural Studies
“How competent are you in your ability to…?”

• “Identify underlying principle that are not explicitly stated, but implied in a scriptural text”—I.e., how good are you at massaging/distorting scripture until it means what the prophet says it means?
• “Analyse and interpret figurative language in the scriptures consistent with the author’s intent”—i.e., how good are you at reading Joseph Smith’s mind, as interpreted by Thomas S. Monson and Dallin H. Oaks?
• “Distinguish between the inspired teachings of the prophets on specific issues and contrary points of view expressed by members of the Church”—i.e., how good are you at never having an original thought of your own and at warding off all attempts by evil apostates to infiltrate your mind with unapproved ideas? Oops, my brain just exploded.

Achievements/attributes/skills that BYU considers to be evidence of “character building,” according to the survey:
Strives to live a Christ-like life

• “I follow the promptings of the Spirit to help others, even if it involves sacrifice or costs me in some way”—i.e., voices speak to me in my head and I listen to them and follow what they say.

Views the world through an eternal perspective

• “I am genuinely concerned for the welfare of others”—…because if I didn’t have an “eternal perspective” I would be a hardened rapist/puppy-strangler.

Areas/achievements/attributes/skills that BYU considers to be evidence of “lifelong learning and service,” according to the survey:

Church Service

• “I make financial contributions to my church”
• “I actively strive to share my beliefs with others who are not of my faith” (I answered “extremely well” to this one)
• “I proactively use my initiative to find ways to serve my church.”

Technology Use
“How competent are you in your ability to…?”

• “Use basic office technology (e.g., computer, fax machine, e-mail)”—WTF? Using a fax machine or email is something to be proud of these days? Whatever.

At the end of the survey there were some general questions, such as

Considering the entire experience you had at BYU while earning the degree you earned in 2005, if you were starting your college career over, would you choose to come to BYU?

Definitely not

A significant part of the mission of BYU is to help students develop as educated disciples of Christ. These are disciple-scholars who can blend deep faith and rigorous intellect in every aspect of their lives.

How well did BYU help you to become an educated disciple of Christ?

Very Poorly

There were also two essay questions, which I had a great deal of fun composing answers to.

Describe how an education that integrated faith and intellect has influenced how you apporach your occupation, whether in or out of the home. Please be specific. [emphasis in the original]

I credit BYU with making me an atheist. Having religion crammed down my throat for four years and being surrounded by so many closed-minded hypocrites–students, faculty and religious leaders–for so long really opened my eyes. It was as a BYU student that I first began to question my Mormon faith, and first began to notice the discrepancies and logical inconsistencies that riddle every religious creed. The moment I graduated, I resigned my membership in the Mormon church and renounced religion in any form.

This experience has shaped my approach to being a librarian in the following ways: Having been fed propaganda for so long as a Mormon and a BYU student, I am much more sensitive to bias and bad reasoning than before. Being intellectually oppressed as a student has made me militant about open dialogue, free access to information and intellectual honesty for everyone. And finally, I much more skeptical of unsupported faith-based and pseudoscience claims than I was as a believer.

If you have any additional opinions, experiences, or suggestions, please share them here.

As a gay man who had to conceal his sexual orientation and his growing disaffection from Mormonism from friends, family, fellow students and faculty for four years, I found BYU to be hell on earth. The student body was insincere, closed minded, homophobic, intolerant of difference of opinion and fixated on unachievable perfection. The Honor Code was restrictive, patronizing and overly invasive. Being forced to attend church services did more to harm my belief in Mormonism than sustain it, and it meant being forced to be dishonest at every juncture. Academic and intellectual freedom were severely curtailed, where they were even allowed to exist..

Everything I learned as an undergraduate I consider myself to have learned in spite of BYU’s best efforts to keep me an ignorant, unquestioning sheep. I would not recommend a BYU education to anyone, and would certainly not go back myself if I were starting my education over again.

Ultimately, I am ambivalent about the time I spent at BYU, the time I spent on my mission, and the time I spent as a Mormon in general. It wasn’t all bad, and it had a lot to do with making me the person I am today. But then . . . it made me the person I am today. So it is responsible for a great deal of ca-RAZY.

My friend Craig (of yes, i am) has officially entered his Angry Bitter Gay Ex-Mormon phase. We all saw the signs: the growing circle of gay/ex-mo friends he was amassing; his forceful blog posts speaking out against religion, Mormonism and homophobia; his increasing frustration with his conservative Mormon acquaintances and their stubborn insistence that he respect their beliefs in silence; the friction with his parents and siblings; and his attendance at the Exmormon Foundation Conference this last weekend. Angry! Gay! Bitter!

A couple weeks ago he finally snapped. After a frustrating Facebook chat on the subject of gay rights/marriage with a former roommate—the Mormoniest of all of his Mormony BYU roommates—Craig went on a Facebook rampage, cutting his virtual ties with all the closet bigots of his acquaintance. He is no longer connected to anyone who has posted a “Yes on 8!” status, joined a Prop 8 group, or publicly sided with the “Protect Marriage: One Man, One Woman” cause.

When he told me about his crusade I made sympathetic noises, because of course he is angry, of course he is frustrated, and you have to do something or you’ll explode. But as much as I sympathized, I didn’t join him, even as I watched more and more of my Facebook friends line up behind Proposition 8. I figured information was bound to flow both ways; it was worth it to stay connected to these acquaintances and bear the sting of their small virtual betrayals, as long as they were willing to put up with my 500 “queerosexual” status updates on National Coming Out Day.

Well, a few days ago one of my distant, conservative Mormon acquaintances posted a long, incoherent rant in support of Proposition 8 on her Facebook profile, in which she cribbed heavily from Mormon-run preservemarriage.com. To whit: she had at first been against the proposition, but when she found out that it wouldn’t take any rights away from homosexuals, and that gay marriage would put her own religious rights in danger!!!, she knew she had to speak out.

Do not even get me started on the subject of religious rights.

Oops. Too late!

The United States is one of the most religious industrialized nations in the world. The overwhelming majority of Americans identifies not just as religious but as Christian, and the insidious idea that America is a “Christian nation” is rooted even in many non-religious breasts. “American” implies Christian, god-fearing, wholesome, Bible-believing, salt-of-the-earth and (mostly) white and straight. By their very nature, non-Christian, non-white and non-straight citizens are marginalized as non-American. So please explain to me how, in a nation like the one I live in today, religious rights are in any danger… from anyone but Christians?

That’s right. A certain subset of the Christian majority is trying its level best to do away with the religious rights of the minority, by voting a specific set of moral and religious views not just into law but into the state and federal constitutions. This is not just. This is not equitable. This is not moral.

It is also not true, by the way, that Proposition 8 would not take any rights away from California homosexuals. The most obvious right it would remove is the right of same-sex couples to marry (that’s the whole point of the proposition, of course), but it would also push homosexuals another step back from achieving full equality under the law and in society. These are not trivial losses, trivial wounds, trivial semantic games.

When I responded to my Facebook friend’s post, politely pointing out the flaws in her argument and raising the concerns I have noted above, she deleted my comment and sent it back to me, basically saying she didn’t want it polluting her Pro-8 Facebook page. But she still wanted to be my friend, because she remembered me as being cool from college, exclamation point, heart, lol.

After I sent a final response explaining why her friendship was no longer wanted or needed, Craig had to show me how to defriend her. He’s had a lot of experience with that lately, fortunately for me.

I won’t be going on any kind of friend-list-cleansing rampage of my own, but let this serve as a notice to any of my so-called Facebook friends who support Prop 8: before you post that ill-considered anti-homosexual rant on your Facebook page, do me the favor of de-friending me first so it doesn’t pollute my Facebook experience. It’s what a true friend would do.

When I was growing up I was often called names. It kind of comes with the territory—I was effeminate, geeky, introverted, awkward, unattractive and unpopular, and terribly insecure about it all to boot. I was an easy target, so I was often targeted.

That was years ago, and I thought I was totally over it. This turns out not to be the case!

Yesterday a well-dressed, clean-cut man approached the reference desk and (in accented English) asked for books on Balzac in Spanish. From the first moment, his attitude was hostile, condescending, even contemptuous, and as I searched our database and failed to find any of the Spanish-language materials he was looking for, first on Balzac and then on the Marquis de Sade, his behavior descended to open mocking. When I asked him to please be more civil he (in an even worse tone) asked to see my manager. As I got up to find someone to talk to him, he continued to openly mock and ridicule me, so I informed him I would simply be calling security.

His response: “Yeah! Call them! Fucking maricón de mierda.”

Then, instead of waiting to speak with security, he got on the elevator, leaving me shaking, speechless and on the verge of tears.

This is the first time I’ve been called an actual nasty name at the library. Patrons have been rude, irrational, unreasonable, profane, angry and loud, but in the three years I’ve worked here, this is the first time anyone has descended to name-calling. And it really threw me. This is a complete cliché, but in the few minutes I had to deal with that patron it felt like I was suddenly that awkward, oily-faced fifteen-year-old again, and I was stammering and flushing and trembling and completely falling apart. Just like I used to.

In case you don’t know how to insult people in Spanish, “maricón” is (among other things) a homosexual slur. And once he used it, his earlier unexplained antipathy suddenly seemed very clear: He was rude to me because he realized I was gay. In fact, apparently he felt my being gay gave him license to be the most completely over-the-top asshole I’ve ever dealt with as an adult.

I’m feeling very off-balance right now. Since that encounter, I’ve been intensely aware at all times that I am a gay man and—while I’m not what I think of as flamboyant—it’s usually pretty obvious to people (even over the phone). When I interact with patrons now, I constantly wonder if they’ve figured it out, what they think, and whether they are going to take it as license to be rude or disrespectful. I haven’t felt this raw and vulnerable in a long time—again, probably not since I was a teenager.

Ugh. If I wanted to re-live my youth I would do what Dooce has done and post angsty teen-era journal entries for all the world to see.