Alone and Unobserved

Me: (Shutting a book with a bang) Oh I hate myself so much right now.

Coworker: (Startled look)

Me: Well, more than usual, at least.

Coworker: What happened?

Me: I asked the library to buy this book, and then when it came in I let it sit on my desk for two months. I went to renew it just now but I couldn’t because there’s a hold on it for someone else, and we only have this one copy. So now that I can’t keep it, I finally opened it up and it’s really good! Or at least the chapter or so of it that I’ve read. WHYYYYYYY—

Coworker: Yup. Happens to all of us.

Me: —YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Patron: Are you familiar with Italy?

Me: …somewhat. What did you need to know?

Patron: Have you ever heard of a place called “Two-Scanny”?

Me: Tuscany? It’s a region in Italy.

Patron: Because I have this olive oil, supposed to be Italian, but all it says is “Made in, uh, Tooscany.” So that’s in Italy?

Me: Yep.

Patron: You sure?

Me: (Internal sigh)

Patron: Do you know who is Karl Marx?

Me: Yup.

Patron: Do you know who is… Rita Eng Hell?

Me: What? Who?

Patron: Rita Eng Hell. You know who is?

Me: I… I’m not sure.

Patron: Er, Eng-gell.

Me: Oh, Engels. Yes, I do.

Patron: (Gives me a crafty look.) Is he… or is she?

Me: Well, I know of a specific Engels who was a he, but there are other Engels who are she’s.

Patron: You are sure??

Me: Yep, I’m sure.

Patron: Is right! Russian people think, Karl Marx, and his wife, Engels! Hahahaha!

Me: Ahahahaha…

Sometime yesterday, during our normal business hours and right under our noses, someone—or someones—went through our nonfiction collection, pulled all the bright yellow-and-black Dummies books from their places throughout the stacks and reshelved them all together in one place.

This is funny. Yes, we laughed when we found it. But it’s not funny, too. It’s already hard for the shelvers in my department to keep up with the normal shelving flow, and now there are suddenly two full extra carts for them to deal with. When the shelvers are behind it immediately and strongly impacts how easy it is for patrons and staff to find books in the collection.

Also, with the ongoing censorship problem we’re having, security is already being tightened. And with tightened security, individual privacy is inevitably lost. Which is a shame for everyone. We don’t need a reason to tighten security even more. Please.

I have this conversation with patrons at my library far, far too often.

Patron: I need item X.

Me (reading catalog record): Looks like it’s all checked out, but there’s a copy due in a couple days. I can’t promise it’ll be brought back in time, but I can place a hold on it for you. That way you’d get the next copy that checks in.

Patron: Sounds good.

Me: All right. Where do you want to pick it up?

Patron: Library Branch Y.

[I place the hold.]

Me: Okay, you’re first in line for that item.

Patron: Uhhhhh…. maybe I should pick it up at Branch Z instead?

Me: It’s up to you. I can change the hold.

Patron: I need it as soon as possible. Which will be faster, Branch Y or Z?

Me: It probably won’t make a difference.

Patron: Well, where will it be turned in?

Me: It could be returned to any of our locations. There’s no way to know in advance.

Patron: Okay, how long would it take to get to Branch Y once it’s turned in?

Me: [Pounds head on desk]

Patron: How long would it take to get to Branch Z?

Me: [Catatonia; writhing]

Patron: I need it by Tuesday. What day did you say it would be brought back?

Me: [DEATH]

Me: S— Public Library, this is Sean.

Patron: Do you have federal tax form blanks?

Me: I’m sorry, do we have federal tax form what?

Patron: Do you have blank federal tax forms?

Me: I don’t know what you mean by “blank” forms, but we have forms that haven’t been filled out.

Patron: “Sold out”?

Me: Filled out.

Patron: (pauses, then laughs; speaks slowly) Do you have forms there for me to pick up?

Me: (internal sigh) Yes, we do.

Patron: And are they federal and state, or just federal?

Me: We have both.

Patron: Thank you. Good-bye. *click*

This is a phone call I received this morning at the library.

Little Old Lady: I’m computer illiterate, and I’m at a library where the people aren’t too smart. What I want to know is, the picture on the desktop, how do you make it larger or smaller?

Me: I’m sorry, ma’am, but that’s not something I can really explain over the phone [especially not to someone who is computer illiterate].

LOL: You can’t just tell me how to do it?

Me: I’m sorry, not over the phone. That’s something you’re going to need to get someone to show you in person.

LOL: No hints or anything?

Me: I’m sorry. Is there something else I can help you with?

*click*

Patron: What day of the week is January 27?

Me: It’s a Wednesday.

(a minute later)

Patron: So what day is the 25th?

Me: It would be a Monday.

Patron: Really??

Me: …well, if the 27th is a Wednesday, then yes.

Patron: Oh, because I swear I looked it up on the calendar and the 25th was a Sunday.

Me: Maybe you were looking at last January?

Patron: You know what, that’s probably it.

Patron (on the phone): Maybe you can help me.

Me: Certainly.

Patron: Or maybe there’s somewhere else I should call?

Me: Well, what are you calling about?

Patron: If you don’t know the answer to something, and you need to ask someone, where do you call?

Me: . . . well, generally people call this number and ask me their question.

Patron: What?

Me: WHAT IS YOUR QUESTION.

Patron: Thanks for the number, but can you give it to me again?

Me: I haven’t given you a number, because I don’t know what your question is.

Patron: I’m looking for an Ayurvedic doctor.

Me: Okay. Can you hold while I look one up?

Patron: Thanks for the number, but can you give it to me again?

Me: . . . I haven’t given you a number. I need to put you on hold so I can look for one. Can you hold?

Patron: Yes, I can hold.

[I look up local Ayurvedic practitioners and finally find something that looks likely.]

Me: Well, I think I found one.

Patron: Thanks for the number but can you give it to me again?

Me (actively banging head on desk): I haven’t given you the number yet.

Patron: I’m a little hard of hearing.

Me (to myself): You don’t say. (to patron) The number is [phone number].

Patron: I’m surprised you got that number so fast! Can you give it to me again?

Me: I, uh . . . um, yes, I’m awesome like that.

These calls came in back-to-back this evening at the library.

Patron (on the phone): I have a business card here, and I want you to type what’s on it into your computer and see what comes up.

Me: Okay. . . .

Patron: H-T-T-P, double slash . . . [sic]

Me (typing and correcting): “http://”

Patron: W-W-W, period, E-B-A-Y, period, C-O-M.

Me (typing): “www.ebay.com” (aloud) All right. I’m on eBay.

Patron: And what does it show?

Me: . . . It shows the eBay.com website.

Patron: . . . .

Me: It’s a popular place where you can buy and sell items online?

Patron 2: I’m going to give you a web address and I need you to give me some information from it.

Me (cringing): Okay.

Patron 2: Go to [website address].

Me: All right, it redirected me to a different site, but I’m there.

Patron 2 (sharply): No, it should’ve taken you right there! [recites slightly different web address]

Me: Well, that’s not quite the same address, but as I said it redirected me. So I’m there.

Patron 2: Okay, click on “Forum” at the upper left corner.

Me: Done.

Patron 2: Now go to the bottom where it says “Users Online.” Do you see anyone logged on whose username starts with a ‘J’? I need to see if my phone line is in use.

Me: (head explodes)