Patron: I need item X.

Me (reading catalog record): Looks like it’s all checked out, but there’s a copy due in a couple days. I can’t promise it’ll be brought back in time, but I can place a hold on it for you. That way you’d get the next copy that checks in.

Patron: Sounds good.

Me: All right. Where do you want to pick it up?

Patron: Library Branch Y.

[I place the hold.]

Me: Okay, you’re first in line for that item.

Patron: Uhhhhh…. maybe I should pick it up at Branch Z instead?

Me: It’s up to you. I can change the hold.

Patron: I need it as soon as possible. Which will be faster, Branch Y or Z?

Me: It probably won’t make a difference.

Patron: Well, where will it be turned in?

Me: It could be returned to any of our locations. There’s no way to know in advance.

Patron: Okay, how long would it take to get to Branch Y once it’s turned in?

Me: [Pounds head on desk]

Patron: How long would it take to get to Branch Z?

Me: [Catatonia; writhing]

Patron: I need it by Tuesday. What day did you say it would be brought back?

Me: [DEATH]

Patron: Do you have federal tax form blanks?

Me: I’m sorry, do we have federal tax form what?

Patron: Do you have blank federal tax forms?

Me: I don’t know what you mean by “blank” forms, but we have forms that haven’t been filled out.

Patron: “Sold out”?

Me: Filled out.

Patron: (pauses, then laughs; speaks slowly) Do you have forms there for me to pick up?

Me: (internal sigh) Yes, we do.

Patron: And are they federal and state, or just federal?

Me: We have both.

Patron: Thank you. Good-bye. *click*

Little Old Lady: I’m computer illiterate, and I’m at a library where the people aren’t too smart. What I want to know is, the picture on the desktop, how do you make it larger or smaller?

Me: I’m sorry, ma’am, but that’s not something I can really explain over the phone [especially not to someone who is computer illiterate].

LOL: You can’t just tell me how to do it?

Me: I’m sorry, not over the phone. That’s something you’re going to need to get someone to show you in person.

LOL: No hints or anything?

Me: I’m sorry. Is there something else I can help you with?

*click*

Me: It’s a Wednesday.

(a minute later)

Patron: So what day is the 25th?

Me: It would be a Monday.

Patron: Really??

Me: …well, if the 27th is a Wednesday, then yes.

Patron: Oh, because I swear I looked it up on the calendar and the 25th was a Sunday.

Me: Maybe you were looking at last January?

Patron: You know what, that’s probably it.

Me: Certainly.

Patron: Or maybe there’s somewhere else I should call?

Me: Well, what are you calling about?

Patron: If you don’t know the answer to something, and you need to ask someone, where do you call?

Me: . . . well, generally people call this number and ask me their question.

Patron: What?

Me: WHAT IS YOUR QUESTION.

Patron: Thanks for the number, but can you give it to me again?

Me: I haven’t given you a number, because I don’t know what your question is.

Patron: I’m looking for an Ayurvedic doctor.

Me: Okay. Can you hold while I look one up?

Patron: Thanks for the number, but can you give it to me again?

Me: . . . I haven’t given you a number. I need to put you on hold so I can look for one. Can you hold?

Patron: Yes, I can hold.

[I look up local Ayurvedic practitioners and finally find something that looks likely.]

Me: Well, I think I found one.

Patron: Thanks for the number but can you give it to me again?

Me (actively banging head on desk): I haven’t given you the number yet.

Patron: I’m a little hard of hearing.

Me (to myself): You don’t say. (to patron) The number is [phone number].

Patron: I’m surprised you got that number so fast! Can you give it to me again?

Me: I, uh . . . um, yes, I’m awesome like that.

Patron (on the phone): I have a business card here, and I want you to type what’s on it into your computer and see what comes up.

Me: Okay. . . .

Patron: H-T-T-P, double slash . . . [sic]

Me (typing and correcting): “http://”

Patron: W-W-W, period, E-B-A-Y, period, C-O-M.

Me (typing): “www.ebay.com” (aloud) All right. I’m on eBay.

Patron: And what does it show?

Me: . . . It shows the eBay.com website.

Patron: . . . .

Me: It’s a popular place where you can buy and sell items online?

Patron 2: I’m going to give you a web address and I need you to give me some information from it.

Me (cringing): Okay.

Patron 2: Go to [website address].

Me: All right, it redirected me to a different site, but I’m there.

Patron 2 (sharply): No, it should’ve taken you right there! [recites slightly different web address]

Me: Well, that’s not quite the same address, but as I said it redirected me. So I’m there.

Patron 2: Okay, click on “Forum” at the upper left corner.

Me: Done.

Patron 2: Now go to the bottom where it says “Users Online.” Do you see anyone logged on whose username starts with a ‘J’? I need to see if my phone line is in use.

Me: (head explodes)

Me: S— Public Library, this is Sean.
Patron: Hello, I’d like to have a book come in.
Me: . . . you mean you’d like to place a book on hold?
Patron: No, I’d like to have a book come in.
Me (completely baffled): I . . . I don’t know what that means.
Patron (sarcastically): That’s FINE. THANKS. *click*
Me:  . . . bye.

Me: S— Public Library, this is Sean.
Patron 2: Do you know what “arterial celebration” is?
Me: “Arterial celebration”?
Patron 2: NO. ArTERial celeBRAtion. S-I-L-L-I-B-R-A-T-I-O-N.
Me: Is that S as in Sam or F as in Frank?
Patron (raising voice): It’s F as in . . . FINE.
Me: So . . . F as in Frank?
Patron: NO . . . yes.
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “atrial fibrillation.”
Patron: “Arterial fillibration”?

Me: S— Public Library, this is Sean.
Patron 3: Is your wireless card working?
Me: Our wireless card?
Patron 3: Yeah . . . sometimes your wireless doesn’t work . . . and I’ve got cancer . . . and I’m from out of state . . .
Me: As far as I know, our wireless is currently working.
Patron: . . . and is there somewhere I can sit where no one is around? I can’t be near any sneezing, or coughing . . .
Me: Unfortunately, I’m not sure where you would go to be alone in the library. With the bad weather we’re more crowded than usual. We do have a couple individual study rooms you’re welcome to use, if they’re free.
Patron 3: So you’re probably more croweded because of the weather . . . okay . . . and where do you park? I’m not going to pay . . .
Me: Well, there’s really not any free parking downtown, I’m afraid.
Patron 3: That’s why I can never go there. *click*

Me: I’m not familiar with her . . . does she work at the library?

Patron: No, it’s my mother. I’m supposed to meet her and I’m not going to be able to make it. Can you find her and tell her that?

Me: Where were you supposed to meet her?

Patron: At the downtown library.

Me: Do you know where she is in the library, or what floor she’s on?
[Note: The library I work at has five public floors.]

Patron: At the internet.

Me: “The internet”?

Patron: Where you can use the internet.

Me: We have internet access all over the library.

Patron: The computers.

Me: I’m sorry, but we have computers all over the library, so that doesn’t narrow it down.

Patron: Well, can’t you just call for her on the intercom?

Me: Unfortunately, we don’t have a P.A. system, so I really can’t. Is there anything else I can help you with?

Patron: Thanks a lot. (Just before the call disconnects:) Asshole.

Patron (very loudly): DO I JUST HAVE SOME HOLDS?

Me: I’m sorry?

Patron: Do I just have some holds to pick up? Is that why you called?

Me: We have an automated system the sends out calls, so I don’t know. I can look up your account, though.

Patron: My name’s [name].

Me: What’s your library card number?

Patron: You just called like, two seconds ago.

Me: Our automated system called you. I didn’t call you, and I don’t know who you are or why you were called.

Patron: Oh.

I open my mouth, but—

Patron: . . . for special-needs kids?

Me: Hmm. Let me look that up.

Patron: I think they’re in 649.

Me: Well, yes, a lot of the parenting books are in the 649s, but that’s a big section. Let me look up parenting for special needs.

I put my hands on the computer keyboard, but—

Patron: It’s called “Raising Your Complex Child.”

Me: Oh, you’re looking for a specific book? One moment.

I enter “raising your complex child” into the title field and nothing comes back.

Me: Well, we don’t have anything by that exact title—

Patron: I looked it up just a minute ago. It was in 649 . . . something.

Me: Right, well, unfortunately we don’t have that title. Let me do a few other searches.

Patron: You don’t have that title? I looked it up. It said it was in 649. It was called “Raising a Child with Complex Needs.” . . . or something.

Me: I . . . see. And what did you search for when you found it?

Patron: I searched for “special needs.” “Special needs parenting.” It was, like, the third one.

I search “special needs parenting” and sure enough, a book with a title VAGUELY resembling the two titles she gave me pops up.

Me: I think I’ve found it. Let’s go check the shelf.

Patron (as we’re walking over to the stacks): When I looked it up, I was going to write down the title, but I was in such a hurry!