Alone and Unobserved

It has come to my attention that SOME OF YOU have ignored the gushing praise I’ve lavished on Avery Edison on Twitter, and my stern directives to the effect that YE SHALL ALL READ WHAT SHE WRITES AND LOVE IT GODDAMMIT. Some of you, I’m told, aren’t even on Twitter, which is just sad. *tsk tsk tsk*

So I’m diversifying, and bringing my call to action here to my blog, which hardly anyone reads anymore because I never update it. STOP PICKING ON ME I’M IN GRAD SCHOOL. (That’s my current excuse for everything. “I’ll be a better librarian when I’m out of school.” “I can’t empty the dishwasher, I’m in grad school.” “I don’t have time to do homework, DON’T YOU KNOW I’M A GRAD STUDENT???”)

Where to find Avery Edison online:

twitter.com/aedison

Random funny.

AveryEdison.com

Jesus and Judas! …and more!

The Small Picture, Commonplace and Proud Nature

Photo comics.

Answering Yahoos

Avery answers questions from Yahoo! Answers with tact, compassion and aplomb. Hahaha! I kid. She totally skewers the questioners, because they are idiots.

UPDATED November 11, 2009:
I Don’t Know What’s Worse — The Zombie Apocalypse, Or The Patriarchy. Probably The Zombie Thing.

Avery’s 2009 NaNoWriMo novel. About holding off the ZOMBIE HORDES.

You really should check her out, because oh, my word, she is FUNNY.

An ancient code in the monuments of Ottawa.
A ruthless cult determined to protect it.
A desperate race to uncover the Mormon Church’s darkest secret.

When renowned Harvard symbologist Robert Langdon is summoned to the National Gallery of Canada to analyze a mysterious geometric form—etched into the floor next to the disemboweled corpse of the head docent—he discovers evidence of the unthinkable: the resurgence of the ancient cult of the Quintifori, a secret branch of the Mormon Church that has surfaced from the shadows to carry out its legendary vendetta against its mortal enemy, the Vatican.

Langdon’s worst fears are confirmed when a messenger from the Quintifori appears at the Parliament Buildings to deliver a macabre ultimatum: Turn over the archbishop, or one cherub will disappear from the Sistine Chapel every day. With the deadline fast approaching, Langdon joins forces with the saucy and charming daughter of the murdered docent in a desperate bid to crack the code that will reveal the cult’s secret plan.

Embarking on a frantic hunt, Langdon and his companion follow a 900-year-old trail through Ottawa’s most venerable monuments and sacred monuments, pursued by a Norwegian assassin the cult has sent to thwart them. What they discover threatens to expose a conspiracy that goes all the way back to Joseph Smith and the very founding of the Mormon Church.

Generate your own thrilling Dan Brown thriller in seconds with Slate.com’s Dan Brown Sequel Generator!

(H/T to Ryan Shattuck of RevolutionsforFunandProfit.com.)

Another meme! I know you are so excited. The rules:

Once you’ve been tagged…

1) turn on your mp3 player
2) go to Shuffle songs mode
3)Write down the first 25 songs that come up…song title and artist– NO editing/cheating, please.
4) Choose 25 people to be tagged. It is generally considered to be in good taste to tag the person who tagged you.

And here is the list of tracks my iPhone spit out. (Try clicking the links and listening! Some of these are really good songs.)

1. SkyMall, Jonathan Coulton
2. Cowboy, Oh! Wild Birds
3. Mamma Mia, A*Teens
4. Blue Suede Shoes, Chris Garneau
5. Ring Ring, Mika
6. The Bridge of Khazad Dûm, Howard Shore
7. A Laptop Like You, Jonathan Coulton
8. Long Past Gone, Jami Sieber
9. Chiron Beta Prime, Jonathan Coulton
10. Teeth in the Grass, Iron & Wine
11. Girl, The Beatles
12. Johnny Viola, Shearwater
13. Pieces, Dinosaur Jr.
14. Adrienne, Isabelle Boulay
15. Fingers, Pink
16. You’re the Coliseum, Shearwater
17. Polar Nettles, Neko Case
18. Music for Girls, Baxendale
19. Genie in a Bottle/No Scrubs/Slave 4 U, Dan Finnerty and the Dan Band
20. There’s No Here, Dinosaur Jr.
21. Una furtiva lagrima, Luciano Pavarotti
22. 18 Wheeler, Pink
23. California, Rufus Wainwright
24. “You have a good third husband, Joanne.”, Raúl Esparza and Barbara Walsh
25. Peace beneath the City, Iron & Wine

This was kind of a bizarre exercise, because it uncovered some music on my iPhone that I’ve never listened to, ever. (And no, I’m not talking about the Pink songs.)

Uh, once again, I probably won’t be tagging anyone explicitly here, but feel free to consider yourself tagged anyway. Post a link to your list in the comments!

Update:
I made this into a playlist on Grooveshark (all except tracks 2, 8, 14 and 18), which you can listen to below.

Photo by el patojo on Flickr.

Here’s a meme aimed at grown-ups. If you’re a grownup, and you’re reading this, consider yourself tagged.

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
Cell phone. The fact that my AT&T iPhone plan doesn’t include any text messages irks me every time I look at the bill.

2. Do you miss being a child?
I sometimes miss being five or so, when I was completely unselfconscious.

3. Chore you hate the most?
Laundry.

4. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
Uh, I’m not a horribly romantic person, so I’m not sure a dinner that involved me would succeed at being romantic. Oops.

5. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?
I don’t know. I am often overcome with regrets about stupid, self-destructive things I’ve done in the past, but since I like where I am right now, I’m not sure what would be guaranteed to make my life better if I went back and changed it.

6. Name of your first grade teacher?
Mrs. Miller.

7. What do you really want to be doing right now?
Um… I wish I were immersed in a good book. But I’m too antsy to sit down and read.

8. What did you want to be when you grew up?
I’ve wanted to be a writer/novelist ever since I can remember. Instead I have two degrees in math, I work in a library and I’m working towards a master’s in library science. And my writing career is currently derailed. *sigh*

9. How many colleges did you attend?
Four.

10. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
I wanted to feel slim today. I don’t know if this shirt makes me look slim, but I sure feel slimmer when I’m wearing it.

11. What are your thoughts on gas prices?
People in the United States who complain about gas prices should be forced to pay European gas prices for a month. Also: I don’t have a car. If I did, maybe I’d be a little more interested in the price at the pump. As it is, I just worry about costs that are passed down to me, like shipping costs showing up as higher grocery prices.

12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
“Urgh.”

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
“I wish I hadn’t drunk 40 oz of iced coffee so late in the day.”

14. What famous people would you like to have dinner with?
My social anxiety makes such a thing sound like a dreadful torment to be endured, not something to look forward to or enjoy.

15. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
Yes. When I was a new license-holder, I tried to turn my family’s Volkswagen Vanagon around at a gas station and clipped the back fender of a very nice and understanding Latino gentleman, who preferred not to involve insurance companies. Good thing, because I was uninsured.

16. If you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer?
Yes. Maybe in a library!

17. Get up early or sleep in?
Neither. I hate getting up before the sun, but I have trouble sleeping after the sun comes up unless I’m really, really hung over.

18. What is your favorite cartoon character?
Um… don’t have one.

19. Favorite thing to do at night?
Twitter, read, Facebook, surf the web.

20. When did you first start feeling old?
I don’t usually feel old.

21. Favorite lunch meat?
Don’t have one—I’m vegetarian.

22. What do you get every time you go into Wal-Mart?
New contacts or glasses. Low-cost vision care is the only reason I ever go.

23. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
Not exactly. I think romantic marriage as it is currently constituted is a fairly new-fangled idea that carries the seeds of its own destruction. On the other hand, I think government support for social and economic partnerships is a good thing, so I hope marriage continues to evolve into something a bit more sustainable.

24. A favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about?
I’m pretty open about what media I like and don’t like.

25. What’s your favorite drink?
Nonalcoholic? Water, coffee, tea. Alcoholic? Gin or bourbon, mixers optional.

26. Whom from high school would you like to run in to?
Didn’t go to high school.

27. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
I don’t own a car, and I don’t listen to the radio.

28. Sopranos or Desperate Housewives?
Neither.

29. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
I wish I were able to talk about my feelings more.

30. Do you like the person who sits directly across from you at work?
I don’t have that kind of job. But I like most of my coworkers, and really like and connect with some of them.

31. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purposes?
No.

32. Last book you finished reading?
According to Goodreads, it was China Miéville’s The City & the City, a week and a half ago. Why haven’t I been able to get into anything since? Hmm. Maybe it’s because school started June 8…

33. Do you have a teddy bear?
No.

34. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
Nothing comes to mind.

35. Do you go to church?
Never.

36. How old are you?
28.

37. Have you ever been arrested?
No.

38. Have you ever attended a public protest against a major corporation or a government?
Yes, a few.

39. Do you feel that your type of employment traps you or liberates you?
Public librarianship is very liberating in certain ways, but financially it’s pretty much a dead end.

40. Is voting a duty, a privilege, a right, or an option?
A duty and a right.

41. Have you ever sat on a jury?
Yes, once.

42. Have you ever seen someone die?
No.

43. Are you making any preparations for old age or for retirement?
Other than the plan my employer pays into, no.

44. Do you have children? Or, if not, do you wish to?
No, and maybe.

45. Have you ever served in your country’s armed forces?
No.

46. How is your relationship with your parents different from what it was when you were a child?
Well, since they don’t at all approve of my “lifestyle,” we have trouble carrying on a conversation. And since they are so Mormon they can’t finish a sentence without mentioning their religion, and I really would rather not hear about that kind of thing at all, ever, we don’t end up talking that much.

47. Have you ever had a substantial conversation with a homeless person?
I work in a public library. I have substantial conversations with homeless people all the time. I wish there were more I could do to help.

48. If life is “a journey”, then where are you going?
I reject the premise. I don’t think life is a journey. Life is life.

Facebook “friend”:

Sorry Sean, but I’ve grown tired of all your inane twitter posts and Mormon bashing. So I’ve decided to remove you from my friends list, so that they don’t keep popping up. Hope you understand.

Me:

You realize that a) it’s possible to hide updates from anyone on Facebook without actually defriending them and b) the only reason for sending a message like this is if you were trying to be an ass. So… yay for you.

Inane, Mormon-bashing Twitter post “friend” was probably responding to:

There are so many things wrong with the Mormon church. “Out of touch with reality” doesn’t even begin to describe it. http://bit.ly/2rZe1R
about 2 hours ago from Ping.fm

Current inane Twitter post:

Look, I don’t care if you defriend me on Facebook. Just don’t send me a douchey, passive-aggressive message telling me why.
21 minutes ago from Ping.fm

Note: This is the same “friend” who told me to my face that he would physically assault any gay man who hit on him. If that tells you anything.

Update: The guy in question has since apologized for the original message. So I suppose we have to factor that in as well.

From John (of Mind on Fire):

“Just because you were tagged, you so do not need to follow this. I am interested to see what books you all come up with, though.

“Don’t take too long to think about it. Fifteen books you’ve read that will always stick with you. First fifteen you can recall in no more than 15 minutes. Copy the instructions into your own note, and be sure to tag the person who tagged you.”

I was tagged (on Facebook) by Chandelle of Conscious Intention.

• Tender Morsels, by Margo Lanagan
• Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell, by Susanna Clarke
• Swordspoint, by Ellen Kushner
• The Handmaid’s Tale, by Margaret Atwood
• We Have Always Lived in the Castle, by Shirley Jackson
• Se questo è un uomo, by Primo Levi
• The Dosadi Experiment, by Frank Herbert
• Troll: A Love Story, by Joanna Sinisalo
• The Illustrated Man, by Ray Bradbury
• Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen
• Misquoting Jesus, by Bart Ehrman
• The Last Unicorn, by Peter S. Beagle
• The Left Hand of Darkness, by Ursula K. Le Guin
• The Diamond Age, by Neal Stephenson
• Huis clos, by Jean-Paul Sartre

I’m going to tag Craig of yes, I am, Miss Nem of Voice of Reason, chosha of a little east of reality, alea at All My Gettings, Petullant at a girl who wears glasses, Kerry at Windmill Watching, and anyone else who wants to play. I’m also gonna tag a few people on Facebook, I think.

If you want to play, either post your own fifteen books in the comments here, or post them on your own blog and leave a comment here with the link. There’s also my Facebook Note. It’s fun!

Twitter seems to be bringing me a lot of good things lately, and today it brought me the link to Write or Die, an online writing motivation tool designed by a truly evil-minded person who goes by the name of Dr. Wicked.

The premise: writers often find it hard to motivate themselves to write unless there is a pressing, immediate consequence theatening. Write or Die provides that consequence! Just enter the desired word count and time limit, choose how diabolically evil you want the program to be, and then start writing in the text box provided!

You WILL write—or face the consequences!

Well, I did write, for ten whole minutes, and this bit of silliness is what came of it:

And so there I was — 309 words in 9 minutes, 55 seconds

As usual, feel free to let me know how much you love it/how much it sucks in the comments.

malki http://xrl.us/becqjm: Most people have no idea how Twitter could possibly be useful, in any conceivable world, ever. Also get off their lawn
about 11 hours ago from twitterrific

Some people are clueless and cranky about new technology. Some are eager early adopters. And some are eager and clueless.

David Pogue, a tech writer for the NY Times, seems to fall under the third category. If you visit his Twitter profile, @davidpogue [now @Pogue], he seems like a fairly normal Twitterer. But yesterday, he wrote a blog post about Twitter that was probably well-intentioned, but which ended up being so wrong-headed and just plain misinformed that readers are left puzzled and underwhelmed by the very service he ends up tentatively recommending. It’s no surprise when many of his commenters thank him for steering them away from such a useless, time-wasting service. “I’ve been skeptical of Twitter from the get-go,” many of them say, in effect. “I’ve held out against it this long, and after your post I’ll never use it.”

So let’s ignore Pogue’s post as a nice try that unfortunately failed, and move on to the main questions.

What is Twitter?

Twitter began as a way of a) using text messages to post updates (or “twitters,” “tweets” or “micro-blogs”) to a website, where other people could read them and b) of receiving, also via text message, updates from friends and acquaintances. A year or so ago, Twitter made its API public, which meant that outsiders were able to design third-party applications that could live on computer desktops, in browsers or on mobile phones, which could be used to update a person’s Twitter feed and read other people’s tweets. I use a service called Ping.fm to post updates not just to Twitter but to all my social networks, and an iPhone app called TwitterFon to read my Twitter feeds and carry on conversations. (My Twitter feed.)

Why is Twitter special?

Twitter makes it possible to send the same text message (or text-message-sized blurb) out to ten, a hundred or a thousand people. This sounds like spam, but it’s not, for the simple reason that Twitter is opt-in. People who want to hear from you will follow your tweets. People who don’t, won’t. That’s one strength of Twitter as a communication tool over simple text messages or emails: more people tend to have your cell number or email address than you typically want to hear from. Not so with Twitter: any time you tire of hearing from a particular person, just tell Twitter to stop texting you their updates, or unfollow the person altogether.

Why should you Twitter?

The main reason I personally Twitter is because Twitter is FUN. But everyone has a different reason for Twittering. Some use it to keep abreast of what their friends or favorite celebrities are doing, minute by minute. Some like to engage in conversations using @replies. Some use Twitter’s search feature, at search.twitter.com, to follow trending topics in the Twitterverse. Some join Twitter to promote themselves, their product, their company, their ideas or their website. Each of these uses leads to a different style of Twittering.

Twittering is different from a more immersive social network such as Facebook in that communication and information sharing is the key. Do you like broadcasting your ideas across the web? Are you prone to pithy witticisms? Do you want a larger network on which to complain about or praise the companies you patronize and the company you keep? Do you have a website to promote or a web-based business to market for? Twitter is excellent tool for all of these purposes.

What should you Twitter about?

Pogue makes it sound like you should never Twitter about what you are doing right now, but that’s not true. Throw away the rules. Anything that can be condensed into 140 characters is fair game. Twitter about

• Your struggles with chemotherapy.
• Your newest blog post.
• Your kid’s bowel movements.
• Your new Super Friends shirt.
• A new marketing promotion for your business.
• YOUR VICE-PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEE/RUNNING MATE.

And here are a few suggestions:

• Don’t protect your updates.
  Twitter allows you to “protect your updates,” which blocks people from seeing your Twitter feed unless you give them permission. I’m sorry to say it, but this defeats the purpose: Twitter is about an open conversation. Protecting your updates keeps the conversation small, tight and closed. It cuts you off from the larger network. I strongly advise against it.
• Follow-backs are nice, but not required.
  Don’t listen to people who say you have to follow everyone back who follows you. It’s nice if you do that, but let’s face it: some people are just boring. And some people are spammers. Neither kind needs/deserves to be followed back. Also, if you are famous and are followed by thousands of people, a follow-back can be nice, and it makes your followers feel good about themselves—but it is in no way required. Especially now that Twitter and the various 3rd-party apps can display @replies from anywhere in the Twitterverse, instead of just from your pool of followers.
• Strike a balance.
  If you don’t follow anyone, you are missing out on the real Twitter experience. If you follow too many more people than follow you, you look like a spammer. Everyone hates a spammer.

Special suggestions for those who want to use Twitter for promotion/marketing/feedback/etc.:

• No one likes a spammer. The best way to use Twitter for self-promotion is by integrating yourself into the community.
• Post interesting, useful updates.
• Reply to followers, and engage others in dialogue instead of simply blasting your own info all the time.
• Use your network with care, following only those who really look like they are interested in your product/company/particular brand of self-promotion, and sticking as closely as possible to your immediate network as you expand your reach.

I repeat: NO ONE LIKES A SPAMMER.

I watched the movie Alien last night, and, since there was no one present to make snarky comments to, I turned to Twitter. That’s right, I live-Twittered the movie! Below are all 28 updates, from the first (which presciently prefigured all the mayhem in store) to the last (which presciently prefigures the fact that Alien has a SEQUEL).

(I stopped the film several times, which is why the timestamps run 129 minutes while the film only runs 117.)

[ 2008-12-30 22:35:01 ]
Eating brown rice & Quorn and watching Alien. They’re approaching the face-hugger nest NO DON’T GO OVER THERE!!!

[ 2008-12-30 22:40:19 ]
Someone’s face is about to get hugged. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, mister!

[ 2008-12-30 22:55:07 ]
FACE=HUGGED (also, @ping.fm = back?)

[ 2008-12-30 23:05:14 ]
Ack! Chestburster! CHESTBURSTER!!!!

[ 2008-12-30 23:10:05 ]
None of you are safe! It’s a ship of death you are on!! DEEEAAAAAAATH!!!!! (I wish I had some popcorn.)

[ 2008-12-30 23:22:37 ]
The alien just sucker-punched him. With its MOUTH. I call unfair advantage.

[ 2008-12-30 23:28:37 ]
Now a guy is crawling through tight ducts w/ flamethrower. Even w/o a killer alien, that’s the kind of situation that does not end well.

[ 2008-12-30 23:32:32 ]
I can’t believe they can’t track something that produces that much snot. And–yup, he just put his hand in it YUM

[ 2008-12-30 23:37:42 ]
It just wanted to hug you, man! Stop screaming and struggling! The alien is FILLED WITH LOVE

[ 2008-12-30 23:40:55 ]
Sorry, Ripley. Mother is all out of happy answers. (Also: I never realized that “project the screen on their faces” trick was quite so old.)

[ 2008-12-30 23:47:24 ]
Never trust a man with milk in his veins, for he will use his terrifying strength to–wait, that’s not what rolled-up magazines are for!!!

[ 2008-12-30 23:52:49 ]
There’s some alchemy of milk and camera angles that made that guy’s severed head look like a rubber mask for a moment. No, look, he’s back!

[ 2008-12-31 00:01:09 ]
Somehow I didn’t expect “coolant” to come in such small bottles. Maybe this is the recreational size, from Ripley’s private stash?

[ 2008-12-31 00:04:40 ]
So the cat whose existence surprised you earlier–you know, the one you almost tazed to death–suddenly has a name, and is worth your life?

[ 2008-12-31 00:07:38 ]
JUST FOLLOW THE RIVER OF MUCUS OMG

[ 2008-12-31 00:17:48 ]
This self-destruct is brought to you by your disapproving grandmother.

[ 2008-12-31 00:19:41 ]
“You BITCH!”

[ 2008-12-31 00:22:01 ]
Mother’s very disappointed in you, Ripley. The alien is too.

[ 2008-12-31 00:23:41 ]
Mother, how many times you gotta explode? Why won’t you just DIE?!

[ 2008-12-31 00:27:11 ]
Ripley’s down to her panties. Should I be excited? IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME?? (Maybe I’m gay. OH NOES)

[ 2008-12-31 00:29:19 ]
Ms. Weaver’s ass is (was?) flatter than her chest. It’s flatter than Debra Messing’s chest!

[ 2008-12-31 00:30:36 ]
ACKTHPP OMG THE ALIEN JUST TRIED TO MOLEST HER!!! WITH ITS HAND!!!

[ 2008-12-31 00:33:26 ]
Ripley repulses the alien’s advance and remains unmoved by its sultry bedroom demeanor and shameless vamping.

[ 2008-12-31 00:34:42 ]
Okay, that was WAY more crotch than I wanted to see, lady.

[ 2008-12-31 00:37:39 ]
The alien gives her another sultry come-hither stare, but Ripley’s eyes are full of DEATH. And her hands are full of toy harpoon gun.

[ 2008-12-31 00:40:59 ]
Look out! There’s a man in an odd rubber suit, clambering outside on the hull!!!! Obviously a pervert.

[ 2008-12-31 00:43:36 ]
Now she’s reclining in a caftan. And now it’s over! Now: bed. Tomorrow: New Year’s Eve!!!

[ 2008-12-31 00:44:26 ]
Now I need to rewatch Aliens. But not tonight.

I got back yesterday afternoon after two exhausting, up-and-down weeks on the road camping with my family. I promise I’ll tell you all about it, including how I almost died on Half Dome with my younger sister, how my family and I were almost eaten alive in the night by tarantulas, how we ate sandwiches EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR LUNCH, how we belted showtunes to keep our mother awake while she drove through Yosemite at night and how I drank coffee(!) in front of my family not once but three times(!!!). Later. But for now, here is some delightful filler!

First, some pictures of my adorable niece, Vienna, stolen (as usual) from my sister’s blog.

Second, the Inverse Astrology Test from Isocrat.org, which informs me that I’m really a Virgo, not a Scorpio like I always thought.

Your Inverse Astrology Results from Isocrat.org
Aries Mar 21 to April 19	54.8%
Taurus April 20 to May 20	51.4%
Gemini May 21 to June 21	61.1%
Cancer June 22 to July 22	50.0%
Leo July 23 to Aug 22	53.2%
Virgo Aug 23 to Sep 22	62.7%
Libra Sep 23 to Oct 22	56.8%
Scorpio Oct 23 to Nov 21	50.5%
Sagittarius Nov 22 to Dec 21	58.3%
Capricorn Dec 22 to Jan 19	53.3%
Aquarius Jan 20 to Feb 18	61.8%
Pisces Feb 19 to Mar 20	46.1%
You claim to be a Scorpio but we predicted Virgo. Please consult a parent or guardian as to your actual date of birth. Go to the Inverse Astrology Test

And third and last, a promise to write something else here within the next few days. Unfortunately I’ll be out of town (AGAIN, ack ack ack) over the weekend, so I’m not sure I’ll be able to post before Monday. But then again, MAYBE I WILL. I hope you will be satisfied with that vague, doubtfully optimistic pronouncement and come back!