Alone and Unobserved

Here is a list of things that Medieval Christians really believed about Jews: They murdered Christian babies. Both male and female Jews had periods, and they used Christian blood to replenish the losses. As punishment for murdering Jesus, they all suffered from hemorrhoids and open sores. Jews were all born blind, and they rubbed Christian blood over their eyes in order to see. Christian blood could protect one from leprosy. And so on.

No, really, there’s more.

Go read this post on Nervous Acid, then come back here. It’s long, but it’s worth it! I’ll wait.

Norman Brannon was unpacking the press release by Concerned Women for America in his post, but you have to remember—the Mormon church was behind the Prop 8 campaign and financed the spread of this blood libel, and, for all we know, continues to do so. And you know what’s different about the leaders of the Mormon church and a Christian peasant going on a pogrom in the fifteenth century? Mormon church leaders know they’re lying when they try to make people hate gays. When they cynically, calmly tell their followers that the homosexuals are out to force the Mormon church to perform deviant gay weddings in their sacred temples. When they paint themselves as the victims.

This is why they and their ilk deserve no pity, no civility, no quarter. They need to be exposed and vilified for who and what they are, and what they stand for.

They need to be openly castigated with the truth.

This is part of the Mormon church’s official response to Judge Walker’s decision ruling California’s Proposition 8 unconstitutional:

“We recognize that this decision represents only the opening of a vigorous debate in the courts over the rights of the people to define and protect this most fundamental institution—marriage.

“There is no doubt that today’s ruling will add to the marriage debate in this country and we urge people on all sides of this issue to act in a spirit of mutual respect and civility toward those with a different opinion.”

Listen, Mormon church. When you spent millions of dollars on a smear campaign against homosexuals and their families and roped as many of your faithful as possible into canvassing California neighborhoods and calling California homes to repeat the same lies and drum up the same groundless fears, and when you lied and prevaricated and covered up your involvement, the time for civility was long, long past.

And guess what! That was TWO YEARS AGO. So suck it up, you disgusting bigots, and lie down in the bed you made for yourselves. You deserve to be made into a laughingstock and a pariah for being the hate-mongering institution you are.

It tears me up inside that some of my family members and friends still buy into your lies. But I don’t. And until you stop threatening my right to live my life unhindered by your ruthless, coercive morality, I do not owe you any civility whatsoever—and neither does anyone else who is affected by your vicious, insidious lies and hate.

So go fuck yourselves. And prepare to continue losing this fight.

How many of you have used “The Rule” to decide whether or not to see a movie? Also known as the Bechdel Test, The Rule goes like this:

1. The movie must have at least two women
2. who talk with each other
3. about something other than a man.

The Rule isn’t a litmus test for feminism, but it certainly is astonishing how few movies pass it, even in our day and age.

Adam Lee and Hemant Mehta have suggested a similar test for religions. Does your religion (or a particular faith you are considering)

1. have at least one woman in a position of authority
2. who plays a formal, recognized role in shaping doctrine or practice
3. that is binding on male members of that religion?

Mormonism sure as hell doesn’t. Let’s examine this.

The Mormon church (by which I mean The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) bars women from its hierarchy altogether. All bishops, stake presidents, mission presidents, general authorities, apostles and prophets are men, by definition. The only positions of responsibility open to women are those in auxiliaries that contain only women and/or children—i.e., the Relief Society (the women’s auxiliary), the Young Women’s program, and the Primary program (the children’s auxiliary)—so women in these positions not only have no authority over men but are also not allowed to set policy or practice without getting permission from the male hierarchy. This isn’t an accident—it is by design.

It’s possible for a misogynistic movie to pass The Rule, just as it’s possible for a misogynistic religion to pass this new rule. But while it’s possible for a movie that fails The Rule to be feminist in other ways, I would argue that it is not possible for a religion that fails this new rule to not be patriarchal, oppressive and sexist.

Mormonism fails this new rule because it is founded on sexist, patriarchal, oppressive principles, most of which are handily spelled out in the revered document “The Family: A Proclamation to the World.” Go read it for fun feminist times!

What similar questions would you guys pose of a religion to assess its acceptance of gays, lesbians and transgendered people?

I don’t know how many times I’ve told my deconversion story, in whole or in part, on this blog or elsewhere, but my impression has been—for years at this point; yes, I’ve been an ex-Mormon atheist for that long now and it blows my mind—that the fundamental seed of my apostasy, the moment I first broke from the faith, was when I was about twenty-two and finally began to accept myself as a gay man.

In fact, I’ve found myself defending this position several times, when people have implicitly and explicitly accused me of leaving Mormonism so I could go “sin” and “be gay.” I’ve been forced to say repeatedly that my being okay with being gay, as the first point of doctrine I disagreed with my church on, was a (perhaps the) deciding factor, the first step in my journey away from religion, but wasn’t the REASON I ended up leaving. After all, I pointed out, there are any number of practicing Mormons who are also okay with gays or with being gay and they haven’t felt the need to leave. I left the Mormon church because I disagreed with virtually every point of doctrine, including the existence of deity.

I realized today that I’ve been fundamentally wrong this whole time. Not about Mormonism being full of shit, or about the existence of deity, or about religion being a net negative in today’s world, but about when I felt the first disconnect with religion.

It all comes back to patriarchy. You see, I was a feminist long before I realized I was a gay man. I was a feminist in the making before I started kindergarten. Why? Because when I was a kid I wanted to be a girl. When I was REALLY young I very nearly thought I was a girl. I had no interest in the “boy” things other boys were obsessed with—I wanted a Barbie and a My Little Pony and a Rainbow Brite and pretty dresses and I wanted to be a princess AND a sorceress AND an enchantress and forget that moron He-Man, I wanted to be SHE-RA.

I identified strongly with my mom over my dad, and, especially when I was super-little I had trouble accepting that my (one-year-older) sister and I were not functionally the same person. (I mean, we did everything together, and we always would, right?) So when I found out what the Mormon patriarchy expected of young women, I took it very personally.

My mom had her own visible struggles with patriarchy as well. She told us how her father was a Scoutmaster when she was a tween and she fought long and hard for the right of going on campouts with him and her brothers without success, and I watched her do her best to turn the local Young Women’s camping program into something resembling an actual outdoors exploration course.

It upset me that my mom, who was so smart and capable and (let’s face it) ambitious, especially when compared with my go-with-the-flow dad, was expected to accept a background role and take orders from all the stupid MEN around her just because she was a woman. My mom tried to be philosophical about her lot; denying her natural gifts was God’s way of teaching her to be patient, and a better person, and what-the-fuck-ever-else, but I didn’t, couldn’t buy it.

Polygamy bothered me for a similar reason. Why had men been “given” (yes, that’s right—GIVEN) more than one wife, but women were only allowed to marry one man?

Why were there so few independent females in the scriptures, which were otherwise crowded with independent men? Why were there vanishingly few female prophets?

I’m sad to say I learned fairly quickly that voicing concerns about this got me labeled as weird and girly, and I learned even quicker that these were “bad” things to be. As I got older and became more convinced that I actually was male I found myself participating in the patriarchy, both overtly by becoming a deacon at age twelve just like all the other guys, and by laughing uncomfortably at my friends’ sexist jokes. But I was still never comfortable with the whole thing, just like I was never entirely comfortable being male.

Another thing I’ve often said is that I was a “true believer” back before I started explicitly questioning Mormon doctrine when I was in my early twenties. But I’ve been wrong about that, too. I certainly tried hard enough to be a true believer—doing everything I could think of to convince myself and everyone else that I believed. Hypnotizing myself into suppressing my doubts. Testifying to others with passion, zeal and throbbing sincerity that I not only believed, I knew that the Mormon church was the true church of Jesus Christ on the earth.

But the seed had already been planted. The seed of feminism, of fairness, of this isn’t right, this can’t possibly be right, because it contradicts everything that makes sense. And once I took that next step of acknowledging that I was gay, and accepting myself for who I was, it couldn’t be held back any longer. Because if I was gay, then not fitting into the straight male paradigm was completely irrelevant! I could be as girly or as feminine as I liked. Everything else in my ex-religious journey, I’m convinced, followed from there.

The Mormon church, like almost every other existing religious sect, is fundamentally patriarchal. It is anti-feminist, anti-fairness. Anti-sense. Not just because its doctrines are not true, but in its philosophy, organization, culture and outlook. It pains me to say this, because so many people I love and value are still part of it, and have defended and will continue to defend its destructiveness to me and to others. I just hope that if enough people point out the reality of religion and Mormonism that we can make a difference in the future of girls, women, boys and men everywhere.

It’s always tiresome when a former Mormon acquaintance finds out I’m a heathen gay atheist and tries to argue with me about it—as if I hadn’t spent YEARS agonizing over my choices. (And as if they weren’t years too late at this point.) Come on. Give me some credit and assume I’m an adult and that I didn’t decide to throw away the religious doctrines and practices I grew up with and believed in firmly for twenty-odd years on some immature whim.

Or, if your own belief is so fragile you can’t accept the idea that someone might reject your religion after logical study and reasoned exploration, at least do me the favor of trying to conceal that fact from me, as frankly it’s a condescending and offensive attitude. And in return I’ll do my best to pretend I don’t think you’re a credulous idiot who hasn’t subjected your faith to critical examination.

And then maybe if we can’t be friends at least we won’t part ways as enemies.

Well, I’m back in Salt Lake, safe and mostly sound, writing this from a table at a coffee shop in one of my favorite bookstores. In case you’ve lost track since my last blog post and are wondering where I went and why my sanity and very bodily safety were in question, I’ll remind you that I spent the last two days with my family down in Utah County for my younger sister Kali’s BYU graduation.

Thinking back, I’ve discovered I don’t remember a whole lot about my own BYU graduation experience. My parents were there, and at least some of my siblings, and I remember lining up and it taking a really fucking long time, and then there was a lot of sitting and speechifying. The next day there was a convocation for my college, where I walked across the stage and got a fake diploma in a cheap diploma cover and had a thousand terrible pictures taken of me in my cheap rented graduation attire.

I was an atheist ex-Mormon by then, although I wasn’t open about it, but I don’t remember EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN SPEAKER going off endlessly about religion and god and our personal Plan of Salvation. Maybe I was used to it, having been a BYU student for four years at that point?

In any case, as much as I love my sister and am glad I made it to her graduation, the experience was both deeply boring and deeply traumatic. President Samuelson is a Mormon General Authority (i.e., a member of the main church hierarchy) and he spoke not a single word that wasn’t in General Authority Voice—a ponderous, avuncular combination of gravitas and horrific puns—which meant I was shuddering and rolling my eyes every time he got up to speak. As the person in charge of introducing every commencement speaker, he got a lot of time at the podium, and my shuddering and eye-rolling muscles got a lot of exercise.

I couldn’t sit through the commencement address. It was given by Todd Christofferson, one of the newer Mormon “apostles.” He may be new, but he has the General Authority Voice down pat. In fact, because they were broadcasting his speech throughout the Marriott Center, so I had to leave the building entirely in order to get away from his maundering about “following the Celestial path” or whatever. Fortunately, a whole passel of DILFs had taken their toddlers out on the lawn just then, so at least I had something to covertly lust after for forty-five minutes.

It was good to see my family, even if all of them couldn’t make it. And who knows how long my grandma will last, so I’m glad of every opportunity I have to spend time with her. She’s no longer able to carry on a conversation, and most of the few things she does say don’t make sense because of her aphasia, but it’s nice to know she’s still there, and that I can still make her laugh.

On the other hand, I wish I’d spent more quality time with my family, and less time sitting around in their hotel room with them with the TV on. I seriously watched more TV with my ostensibly non-TV-watching family over the last two days than I’ve watched over the last three months on my own. Thanks to my family, I can no longer say I’ve never seen a single episode of Law & Order (in fact, I’ve now seen three), but I can say I mostly didn’t like it. Ha!

Here’s my Twitter feed from the time I boarded the train in Salt Lake Thursday morning to the time I arrived at my house again Friday night. I’ve included some replies to other Twitter users where I thought they were relevant; just click on the “in reply to” link to see what I was responding to.

The light-rail track is down by the university stadium, and I and several other passengers missed our train because of it. #stellardayonUTA 11:54 AM Apr 22nd

I think the passenger arguing with the UTA rep about it has actual shit on his boots. #stayclassyUtah 11:55 AM Apr 22nd

Finally caught a train south. Maybe I’ll have to attend my sister’s BYU graduation ceremony after all. #MormonLandAhoy 12:25 PM Apr 22nd

“On the train” “Watching the scenery” “Doin’ my thing”* *Ogling the cute straight boys and making them totally uncomfortable 12:27 PM Apr 22nd

@drable Sadly, no. ;( 12:29 PM Apr 22nd in reply to drable

Hope the lady in front of me likes Neko Case, bc I can’t stop humming under my breath & I don’t want to get shivved. #publictransporttweets 12:32 PM Apr 22nd

Dear @RideUTA, if you have to use buses get passengers around a broken track, it’d help if your bus drivers were aware of the TRAX schedule. 1:05 PM Apr 22nd

Badass full-head tattoo, man! Just, next time you put sunscreen on it, remember: 1. Slather it on. 2. RUB IT IN WELL. #dontforgetsteptwo 1:21 PM Apr 22nd

NOW ENTERING UTAH COUNTY AKA ‘MORMONIA’ MOTTO: ABANDON HOPE ALL FAGS WHO ENTER HERE 1:57 PM Apr 22nd

Reason I don’t understand my mom #328: I have an iPhone attached to my hand. She has a pay-as-you-go cell phone she ALWAYS LEAVES TURNED OFF 2:25 PM Apr 22nd

Too bad my phone died right before commencement. If I’d had Twitter to bitch to I might’ve actually sat thru the sententious keynote speech. 7:02 PM Apr 22nd

I pledge not to leave my sister’s college convocation the way I fled her commencement ceremony last night. At least not until she’s walked. 7:38 AM Apr 23rd

My sister Roxanne trying not to look crazed and failing. As usual. http://flic.kr/p/7VDtfT 7:54 AM Apr 23rd

I’m happy to report that I’ve examined the crowd in the BYU Marriott Center & I am apparently not the only apostate ex-Mormon in attendance. 7:56 AM Apr 23rd

Roxanne: “One of the things about camping is it really teaches you to appreciate—”

Me: “—not camping.”

Roxanne: “…Yes.” 8:01 AM Apr 23rd

Have I really been reduced to such small, petty rebellions as Twittering during the prayer?

Time to do some public gay sex. WHO’S WITH ME?? 8:20 AM Apr 23rd

It took this BYU landscape management major 2.5 mins to work a mention of “Jesus, the master gardener” into her student address. Amateur. 8:25 AM Apr 23rd

Did anyone else just hear the Dean call Dr. Garth Fisher, recipient of this year’s Distinguished Service Award, “Garth Vader”? #garthvader 8:30 AM Apr 23rd

@kriten “Jesus, master itinerant wanderer.” “John the Baptist, master crazed apocalyptic prophet.” “John of Patmos, master of ‘shrooms.” 8:35 AM Apr 23rd in reply to kriten

I have no interesting observations to make about the presentation of diplomas. It is endless. At least no one’s talking about god or Jesus. 8:44 AM Apr 23rd

@justaservice Exactly. :( 8:54 AM Apr 23rd in reply to justaservice

Nice of the university to publicly mark out its most boring students with those misleading euphemisms—”cum laude” and “University honors.” 9:01 AM Apr 23rd

Haha! I kid my magna cum laude* sister Kali.

*Latin: ‘very much most boring’ 9:05 AM Apr 23rd

At war w/ myself re: my sudden resolve to marry a hot Mormon boy. This is why I never come to Utah County—it always ends in tears + booze. 9:13 AM Apr 23rd

@slignot Absolutely! But the sobbing gets in the way of the drinking, and the tears make my bourbon all salty. #drinkyoursorrowsaway 9:18 AM Apr 23rd in reply to slignot

@kriten I attended two of mine, solely because my mom informed me I had to because they were driving in from out of state for the occasion. 9:20 AM Apr 23rd in reply to kriten

@karinkydink I’m laughing through the tears. And wishing I were tranked up on Xanax right now. 9:22 AM Apr 23rd in reply to karinkydink

Either half the Microbiology grads forgot to submit their names for the program or someone hired fifty ringers to round out the convocation. 9:38 AM Apr 23rd

Kali just walked. We screamed & clapped. She picked up her fake diploma. Now back to taking covert pics of the cute guys in the audience. 9:42 AM Apr 23rd

My sister Kali, new BYU grad in Molecular Biology, pretending to be a normal human http://flic.kr/p/7VFmTV 10:55 AM Apr 23rd

My sister Kali, new BYU grad in Molecular Biology, reverting to form http://flic.kr/p/7VFm62 10:53 AM Apr 23rd

Pissed at the owner of the car ahead of us whose dog is unrestrained and is climbing halfway out the window. #animalendangerment about 21 hours ago

Back in SL,UT safe and sound. Somehow managed to slip past BYU’s flesh-eating zoobies and anti-gay pogroms yet again. #temptingfate about 18 hours ago

And here’s a link to the handful of photos I took during the week that I’ve posted to Flickr.

Kali’s BYU Graduation

I should probably sum this post up, but most of you have stopped reading by now, so I’ll just say: I had a good time, despite everything I’ve written above that make it sound like I didn’t. (In fact, there was more negative stuff that I didn’t even get into.) But I love my family, and I’m really happy that they have made an effort to be flexible about my “lifestyle” and wicked ways and still want to know me.

Also: Congrats on being a brainy molecular biology graduate, Kali! Good luck with everything.

Love, your older brother, Sean

My oldest younger sister—that is, I have one older sister and five younger sisters; this is the oldest of the five—is graduating today from the Mormon church’s flagship university, BYU, in molecular biology. And I am going to be there.

My mom says being such a brain has made it hard for my sister to get dates. When she meets a guy one of their first questions (because they’re students) is, “What’s your major?” And apparently, when they hear she’s studying molecular biology with an emphasis in genetics they get intimidated or something.

(Maybe that’s the reason I don’t get dates, either? Guys are intimidated by my BLAZING INTELLECT? AHAHAHAHA I kill me.)

Anyway, of course this means I’ll be on BYU campus for the first time in years. It’s bound to be an emotionally trying experience—I made a lot of memories there, and felt a lot of strong emotions, and as much as I wish I were I’m still not “over” that time in my life.

Anyway, wish me luck, and I’ll report back in the next day or do.

P.S. Sorry this has been so weird and disjointed; I’m on the bus going south to Utah County right now, and I’m writing this quickly on my phone before the battery gives out.

Through the magic of the Internet, I’m still in contact to some extent with many of the Mormon acquaintances I had at BYU. Even if I haven’t spoken or even directly corresponded with them in five years, their thoughts and episodes from their lives still show up in my Facebook feed or my Goodreads list, or are reflected in the comments, photos and FarmVille announcements of other, mutual acquaintances. One by one, of course, as their overt religiosity and conservatism has become more and more alien to me, I’ve hidden their updates or defriended them, but I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that hundreds of them still remain.

Today I read a former BYU friend’s review of a book on miscarriage. She writes that she is disturbed at how many of the women who had contributed their stories to the book

had thought about an abortion or actually had one. With that said, I also think that it is very telling how deeply all those women grieved even those who didn’t want their babies. I guess that only shows what a disservice we are doing to women to let them abort their babies.

A miscarriage can be a devastating event. If she has recently had one (and I have no proof that she has), I really hope she has people she can turn to for comfort. As it is, I couldn’t even come up with something non-belligerent in response to such an infantilizing view of the kind of women who seek abortions. In the end, I severed our last connection, thinking she probably didn’t need me bringing war to her doorstep over an off-topic comment in her book review.

This blog post was brought to you in part by Day Five of the Mind on Fire Group Creativity Experiment, and the Nine of Swords card in the tarot deck.

Growing up, I thought coffee was the devil. Booze was the devil squared. People who drank coffee or beer were evil, filthy, satanic. They were destroying their souls. And besides, caffeine and alcohol were poisons, right? Those people were poisoning themselves.

Even worse, Mormon propaganda films so conflate alcohol and drugs that there was almost no distinction in my mind between a) drinking vodka, b) smoking pot and c) shooting up heroin, and there was certainly no way to do any of these things responsibly. Any and all of them would inevitably lead to you overdosing and dying… presumably while your pure Mormon family stood around your bed, weeping at your lost potential and blaming themselves for your terrible life choices.

While I was growing up, I heard all the time about Mormon girls who slept around, who got abortions, who lived with their boyfriends without getting married—pretty much the worst things you can do in Mormonism besides murdering someone—but who wouldn’t touch caffeine, alcohol or tobacco. When you heard these stories, you were supposed to laugh at how screwed up the worldviews of these women were, because keeping dietary restrictions is way less important than staying chaste and morally pure.

“Hahaha! They have sex at the drop of a hat, but they won’t smoke a cigarette! What idiots.”

(It’s also interesting that the subjects of these stories were all female—men were expected to remain pure and chaste as well, but somehow it felt worse when a woman crossed that line.)

And yet, what was my experience of giving up Mormon teachings like? I drank my first cup of coffee furtively at ten o’clock at night in a Salt-Lake-area Village Inn, feeling guilty and sinful. But before I allowed myself that first sip, I had already

• Made out with any number of boys, including strangers
• Had two boyfriends
• Given my first handjob
• Received my first handjob
• Given my first blowjob
• Received my first blowjob
• Stopped wearing my temple garments

My first mouthful of liquor was from a friend’s Cosmopolitan at a party. It looked delicious, but to my virgin tongue it tasted like turpentine. Poison! I thought. I didn’t really have my first drink until two years later, by which time I had

• Resigned from the Mormon church and had my priesthood authority and temple covenants revoked
• Had SEX-sex—like, all the way—with any number of people, including hook-ups and one-night stands
• Railed openly against the Mormon church and its history of corruption and deception

I stopped even paying lip service to “divinely inspired” Mormon dietary restrictions quite early on in my deconversion, but still they were almost the last part of my upbringing that I let go. And I can’t explain why.

In our lovely Deseret,
Where the Saints of God have met,
There’s a multitude of children all around.
They are generous and brave;
They have precious souls to save;
They must listen and obey the gospel’s sound.

Hark! Hark! Hark! ’tis children’s music—
Children’s voices, oh, how sweet,
When in innocence and love,
Like the angels up above,
They with happy hearts and cheerful faces meet.
(“In Our Lovely Deseret,” Eliza R. Snow)

I’m sure all ex-Mormons (and lots of other people too) have a most-hated hymn. I have several! But at the top of the list is “In Our Lovely Deseret,” a cheery abomination written for Mormon children by Eliza “Zion’s Poetess” Snow, whose poetry career just proves that “prolific” and “talented” are not even remotely related attributes. The music her hymns are set to is, if anything, worse: do not, under any circumstances, go searching for an online recording of “In Our Lovely Deseret,” because it will colonize your brain and drive you mad.

In second place we have a sixty-way tie between all of the solemn hymns about Jesus bleeding and dying for my sins. They make my mouth taste like the white bread Mormons eat for communion, and the paper cup they drink the communion water from. (Yes, you heard that right: Mormons drink water for communion, and no, I’m not going to try and explain it. I don’t have to explain Mormonism to people now that I’m not Mormon.)

In third place—

Never mind. When I hear a Mormon hymn, I’m transported back to a time in my life when I hated myself. Worse, I believed in an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-good being called “Heavenly Father” who hated me, too. Is it any wonder that my list of hated Mormon hymns encompasses the whole Mormon hymnbook?