Alone and Unobserved

What I want to know is, how do writers who write for a living deal with the constant rejection? Because I’m not good with it. I’ve mostly structured my life around avoiding potential rejection and failure: I don’t ask guys out because they might say no; I only apply for jobs I’m clearly overqualified for; and I publish my writing on my own website because I can be confident I’ll never send myself a politely crushing note that uses phrases like “doesn’t fit our needs” to disguise the stunning blow-between-the-eyes it actually is.

I went through a brief, optimistic phase a couple years ago where I was going to start writing seriously, and the way I remembered it was I chickened out because I was intimidated by all the different submission requirements each market had. But now it’s coming back to me: I submitted a story to a cool-sounding self-published anthology and was rejected. And I was crushed, and all my optimistic plans fell apart quite immediately and decisively, and I went back to maybe writing a little story every once and a while and posting it to this website.

I’ve wanted to be a published writer for almost literally my whole life, and maybe literally the whole of my life that I have any recollection of. But am I cut out for it, really? I seem to be missing some necessary component—thicker skin, or unshakeable self-confidence, or a volcano-like drive to see myself published—that successful writers have.

Sorry I’m not blogging very much right now. Partly it’s because I suck, but partly it’s because I’m spending so much time writing other things! Unfortunately they’re things I’m hoping to submit to publishers and magazines, so I can’t really show them to you right now (depending on the market, posting a story to my website can count as having ‘previously published’ it, which makes it much less attractive to editors). Don’t worry, though—once I’ve piled up enough rejection slips I’ll probably end up posting them here anyway.

A few days ago my friend John Remy over at Mind on Fire posted on Twitter about a zombie erotica/romance flash-fiction anthology that was soliciting submissions, and I sat right down and reeled off an 800-word short-short story involving zombies and inappropriate sexual contact. I was drunk at the time. Sadly, I was also drunk when I sent it off to the editors, and I’ve been afraid to look at it since for fear of realizing exactly how embarrassed I should be.

A couple days ago Amanda Palmer posted a Twitter update linking to this flash fiction contest for fans who wanted to follow in Neil Gaiman’s footsteps and write stories about Amanda Palmer’s unfortunate end. The deadline was yesterday; yes, I should’ve told all of you about it earlier, and I only didn’t because I’m a terrible, hateful person who wants my readers to be unhappy and unfulfilled. (And also maybe I was afraid you’d write a better story than I did.) I worked a couple days on it, and was pretty satisfied with how it turned out.

Right now I’m in the process of expanding/rewriting my short story “The Strangers” with the idea of submitting it to a magazine or contest in the near future. Anyone who wants to read (and comment on) the current draft, write me an email and I’ll send you a copy. Positive comments are always welcome, but what I’m specifically looking for are constructive critiques, whether specific or general.

I love writing and creating and such, but it would be nice if any of my passions was something that made shitloads of money instead of a pittance (if they earn anything at all). I’m not particularly interested in being rich, but it would be nice to have the same kind of passion and drive for my paying job as I have for my hobbies.

So tired. So, SO tired. I’m not sure if it’s depression (in which case, why the hell am I taking an SSRI) causing the somnolence and unrefreshing sleep, or if it’s the unrefreshing sleep that is causing daytime caffeine overconsumption which is disturbing my sleep. Or stress? In any case, it sucks.

In other news, my friend Brandy gave me a box of pastels she wasn’t using anymore (I believe the exact phrase she used was “I’m so over pastels”) and good grief, they’re hard to use. I’ve developed some intuition for graphite pencil drawing, but add color into the mix and I have no idea what I’m doing. No clue. I’m also hopeless at charcoal drawing, for reasons possible related to the fact that charcoal feels like Art, and I am not an Artist.

I’ve had an off-and-on urge to write poetry over the past few months, and when I told my coworker (who has much more discerning taste regarding literature than I do) she recommended Steve Kowit’s poetry workbook In the Palm of Your Hand. So if you’ve noticed I’ve been posting a large number of poems lately, it’s because I’ve been working through his book. Also: I’m really, really sorry to foist my poetry on you. If you were scarred by unexpectedly viewing an infelicitous verse, I apologize and recommend you tread carefully on this website (or in the RSS feed) in the future.

P.S. Don’t even ask how my fitness program is going. If that answers any questions you might have on that score.

Writing is hard work, you guys. And I have no self-discipline when it comes to making myself do things that are hard. (See: piano practice, homework, exercise, not overeating, being nice when I’m in a bad mood, etc.) Right now I’m trying to write a short story that I was totally excited about (to the point of waking up and grabbing my iPhone and writing down the concept when it came to me in the middle of the night) but now that I’ve realized it’s not going to write itself like some of my ideas do (and now you’re muttering “That explains a lot about your writing…” to yourselves) I’ve lost a lot of my enthusiasm.

I read the blogs and follow the Twitter feeds of several writers—Margo Lanagan, Patricia C. Wrede, Neil Gaiman, Diane Duane, to name a few—and of all of them only Wrede has really managed to convey to me how much like a job being a writer is. Like a sucky, grinding job where you’re self-employed and alone all the time and you have to pay taxes and budget your time and, basically, everything I’m bad at rolled into one.

*sigh*

Anyway, my childhood (and teen and young-adult and adult) dream of being a full-time professional writer is looking less and less reasonable. Maybe I’ll eventually write something publishable, and maybe I’ll eventually make some small amount of money selling what I write, but…

God, I’m such a wuss.

A month ago, on this very blog, I was bemoaning the creative doldrums I found myself in. Nothing sounded interesting, I had no attention span for any of my favorite pursuits, and I couldn’t even blog or write or read, which left me nothing to do except play Nintendo for hours and hours.

Since then there have been a few changes. First, and perhaps most important, my doctor has put me on some antidepressant and anti-anxiety meds. They aren’t free of side effects, but the difference in my mood—and my creative output—is obvious. I’m happier, more upbeat, and I’m writing again.

Second, I started the fitness regimen I’ve been posting about, and as a result I’m happier with my body. I still have a ways to go, but I’m definitely noticing changes—in my appearance and in my energy levels and stamina.

Third, I started using the simple iPhone word-processing app WriteRoom. With WriteRoom, I can start working on a story or idea or poem wherever I happen to be—”in the tub” or “walking on the street” are equally likely possibilities here—and the documents are automatically synced to SimpleText.ws, where I can continue writing on them and editing them, or copy and paste them somewhere else. I know this sounds like a paid plug for WriteRoom, but I swear it’s not; I’ve just been using it so much lately that I can’t help but acknowledge the effect it’s had on my writing process. (What I really wish is that Google would release a Google Docs app for the iPhone that would automatically sync with my Google docs account, but this is the next best thing. Also: this is another reason I want an iPad—trying to type for very long on the iPhone’s tiny screen can really suck sometimes.)

Because I’ve been writing so much lately, I’ve fallen behind on listing new pieces and poems here, and frankly, I can’t promise this won’t ever happen again. If you want to keep up with my latest stuff, you can

• Subscribe to my RSS feed, which will notify you of everything I post to the site including blog posts, fiction, poetry, recipes, whatever (although it often runs a day or so behind).
• Just keep an eye on my writing archives. I’ve rewritten some of the code so items that are less than a month old will be marked with a nice, bold “New!” tag, which will hopefully make them easier to find. Check it out and tell me what you think.

I know my interests are cyclical, and I keep trying to tell myself that this spate of writing may not (probably won’t) last. But I’m determined to enjoy it—and take advantage of it—while I can.

In case you haven’t been following along, I just finished participating in a week-long daily creativity experiment with several other readers, writers and frequenters of the Mind on Fire blog. (The original invitation to participate is here. I know, I know, I should’ve posted about it immediately.) Every day, John Remy at MoF drew a different tarot card, and we participants used that card (directly or tangentially, concretely or abstractly) to spark our imaginations and inspire some sort of creation. The experiment ended yesterday, and I would call it a success. There were enough submissions, and enough different genres, media and styles represented that John still hasn’t finished compiling galleries for the last two days.

I’ve posted my own wrapup below. Each day is represented, with its card, some keywords commonly associated with the card, and a link to an explanation of the card’s symbolism on Joan Bunning’s Learn Tarot site. I’ve also included a link to my own contribution for each of the days, as well as links to the card drawing posts and the existing submission galleries.

Day One: Knight of Swords

Keywords:

• direct/blunt
• authoritative/overbearing
• incisive/cutting
• knowledgeable/opinionated
• logical/unfeeling

(More symbolism)

Day One on Mind on Fire: Card drawing | Gallery

Day Two: The Hermit

Keywords:

• introspection
• searching
• guidance
• solitude

More symbolism

Day Two on Mind on Fire: Card drawing | Gallery

Day Three: Two of Pentacles

Keywords:

• juggling
• flexibility
• fun

More symbolism

Day Three on Mind on Fire: Card drawing | Gallery

Day Four: The Devil

Keywords:

• bondage
• materialism
• ignorance
• hopelessness

More symbolism

Day Four on Mind on Fire: Card drawing | Gallery

Day Five: Nine of Swords

Keywords:

• worry
• guilt
• anguish

More symbolism

Day Five on Mind on Fire: Card drawing | Gallery

Day Six: Two of Cups

Keywords:

• connection
• truce
• attraction

More symbolism

Day Six on Mind on Fire: Card drawing | Gallery (coming soon)

Day Seven: Six of Pentacles

Keywords:
Having/Not having:

• resources
• knowledge
• power

More symbolism

Day Seven on Mind on Fire: Card drawing (featuring CatGirl!) | Gallery (coming soon)

In conclusion: I’ve felt recently that I was stagnating creatively, but this week I somehow managed to create something new every day for six days. It’s a good feeling, and not one I feel often enough.

If you aren’t subscribed to the RSS feed and/or don’t follow me on Twitter and/or aren’t my friend on Facebook, you may have missed the new flash fiction piece I posted today, inspired loosely by the Two of Pentacles card in the tarot deck, and more directly by the Mind on Fire Group Creativity Experiment.

On a Roll
Flash fiction
1184 words

I’ve been wretchedly bad at updating this blog lately. We’re coming to the end of the semester, and the amount of final projects I’m putting off is poisoning everything I do. Whether I’m reading a book or soaking in the tub or helping library patrons at work or watching TV or getting drunk at a party, there’s that niggling little itch in the back of my mind that says, “You should be doing homework! Stop having fun and work on your assignments!” It’s really cramping my style.

One of the first things that goes when I’m stressed, overtired or out of sorts is my creativity. Not only can I no longer write, I no long even feel the urge to, which is such a bizarre loss that it always catches me completely unprepared. Even worse, I become utterly uncreative and inflexible in my day-to-day life as well, which means I find it harder simply to deal with things. You might not realize how much creativity you use in making mundane decisions, but believe me, you’d miss it if it were gone. Suddenly my mind can only recognize a single way of doing things. In my head, every problem only has one solution, every interaction only one acceptable path to success, which makes dealing with library patrons—who are endlessly creative in thinking up ways to baffle and bemuse me when I’m at my best—almost impossible.

Well, hopefully the end of the semester will herald a brief period of peace, tranquility and (fingers crossed) creativity, before the summer term arrives to crush all my dreams again.

In the meantime, go have fun reading the archives of Mis/adventures in Bookland, where Suffering Silently blogs about dealing with bookstore customers in a small-town bookshop in Canada. I could swear some of her customers also visit my library.

Martin Millar is writing a sequel (tentatively named Queen Vex) to Lonely Werewolf Girl, a book whose awesomeness I have written about in the past. You should find Lonely Werewolf Girl and read it, and then you and I can both wait breathlessly for its sequel to be written and eventually released in the U.S. and wherever you live. (Which will hopefully be within both of our lifetimes.) And then we can squeal about how awesome/what a disappointment the sequel is and praise/abuse the name of Martin Millar together. I can’t wait! Can you?

In other news, I am reading H. P. Lovecraft for a class assignment. I am not finding his writing particularly scary or horrifying, but it is giving me lots of scary/horrifying story ideas. Is this normal?

Once again I’m a day and a half late posting my Flashfic Friday update, but I have something special for you: a fantastic Guide to Golems, including discussions of their creation, education and care. It’s filed under Essays because it’s 100% true.

New Essay!
Check it out: A Guide to Golems