Alone and Unobserved

I answered all of these calls in one hour this afternoon at the library. They are all 100% true.

Me: S— Public Library, this is Sean.
Patron: Hello, I’d like to have a book come in.
Me: . . . you mean you’d like to place a book on hold?
Patron: No, I’d like to have a book come in.
Me (completely baffled): I . . . I don’t know what that means.
Patron (sarcastically): That’s FINE. THANKS. *click*
Me:  . . . bye.

Me: S— Public Library, this is Sean.
Patron 2: Do you know what “arterial celebration” is?
Me: “Arterial celebration”?
Patron 2: NO. ArTERial celeBRAtion. S-I-L-L-I-B-R-A-T-I-O-N.
Me: Is that S as in Sam or F as [...] Continue Reading…

It has come to my attention that SOME OF YOU have ignored the gushing praise I’ve lavished on Avery Edison on Twitter, and my stern directives to the effect that YE SHALL ALL READ WHAT SHE WRITES AND LOVE IT GODDAMMIT. Some of you, I’m told, aren’t even on Twitter, which is just sad. *tsk tsk tsk*

So I’m diversifying, and bringing my call to action here to my blog, which hardly anyone reads anymore because I never update it. STOP PICKING ON ME I’M IN GRAD SCHOOL. (That’s my current excuse for everything. “I’ll be a better librarian when [...] Continue Reading…

I’ve featured Mormon ‘apostle’ Dallin Oaks and his, er, peculiar take on sexuality and family relations on this blog before ([1], [2]). In some ways, Oaks has become the go-to guy when the Mormon church needs a ponderous, intolerant statement about the homosexuals, perhaps because of his talent for sounding authoritative and paternal even when he’s at his most insane. Such as in a speech he plans on giving at BYU-Idaho (formerly Ricks College), a Mormon-owned school in Rexburg, Idaho. In the speech (according to a copy obtained by the AP), Oaks “refers to gay marriage as an ‘alleged [...] Continue Reading…

So, this is my last semester with The Library Science Program That Will Not Be Named. And—besides finishing 36 hours of coursework—in order to finish the program, students are required to submit to a Right of Passage known as the Capstone Experience. Since this isn’t really an academic degree, or even a graduate degree, there’s no thesis, or qualifying exams, or anything real. So to make themselves feel better, and to mollify the graduate school they’re nominally beholden to, my program subjects its students to a week-long ESSAY EXAM.

Which I just finished.

Thank god.

I don’t know if I’ve passed [...] Continue Reading…

An ancient code in the monuments of Ottawa.
A ruthless cult determined to protect it.
A desperate race to uncover the Mormon Church’s darkest secret.

When renowned Harvard symbologist Robert Langdon is summoned to the National Gallery of Canada to analyze a mysterious geometric form—etched into the floor next to the disemboweled corpse of the head docent—he discovers evidence of the unthinkable: the resurgence of the ancient cult of the Quintifori, a secret branch of the Mormon Church that has surfaced from the shadows to carry out its legendary vendetta against its mortal enemy, the Vatican.

Langdon’s worst fears are confirmed when a [...] Continue Reading…

Patron: Can you see if [name] is there?

Me: I’m not familiar with her . . . does she work at the library?

Patron: No, it’s my mother. I’m supposed to meet her and I’m not going to be able to make it. Can you find her and tell her that?

Me: Where were you supposed to meet her?

Patron: At the downtown library.

Me: Do you know where she is in the library, or what floor she’s on?
[Note: The library I work at has five public floors.]

Patron: At the internet.

Me: “The internet”?

Patron: Where you can use the internet.

Me: We have internet access all over the library.

Patron: [...] Continue Reading…

Me: S— Public Library, this is Sean.

Patron (very loudly): DO I JUST HAVE SOME HOLDS?

Me: I’m sorry?

Patron: Do I just have some holds to pick up? Is that why you called?

Me: We have an automated system the sends out calls, so I don’t know. I can look up your account, though.

Patron: My name’s [name].

Me: What’s your library card number?

Patron: You just called like, two seconds ago.

Me: Our automated system called you. I didn’t call you, and I don’t know who you are or why you were called.

Patron: Oh.

Patron: Where are your books on parenting?

I open my mouth, but—

Patron: . . . for special-needs kids?

Me: Hmm. Let me look that up.

Patron: I think they’re in 649.

Me: Well, yes, a lot of the parenting books are in the 649s, but that’s a big section. Let me look up parenting for special needs.

I put my hands on the computer keyboard, but—

Patron: It’s called “Raising Your Complex Child.”

Me: Oh, you’re looking for a specific book? One moment.

I enter “raising your complex child” into the title field and nothing comes back.

Me: Well, we don’t have anything by that exact title—

Patron: I looked it up [...] Continue Reading…

I’m at the reference desk, helping a female patron place a hold on a French language-learning CD program, when a creepy, greasy-looking male patron walks up. I will call him “Weirdo,” for reasons that will become obvious.

Weirdo (sees a French CD program in Patron’s hand)
Tu parles français?

Patron
…

Weirdo
That means ‘do you speak French.’

Patron
Oh. No. Not yet.

Weirdo (indicating my name tag)
He speaks French.

Patron
Yup.
(to me)
So how will I know when this is ready for me to pick up? Will they call, or will I get an email, or…?

Weirdo (to Patron)
Je parle allemand.

Me (to Patron)
It looks like you’ll receive an automated call. Do [...] Continue Reading…

I put up a new comic! It stars many of my friends, some of whom might decide to no longer be my friends if they saw the comic. So… it’s our little secret.