Alone and Unobserved

Mike dumped me last August, almost eight months ago now. Since then, I’ve mostly kept to myself, not really thrilled about being single, but a little leery of the idea of getting back out there and maybe ending up rejected again. I see attractive men everywhere, but—either out of fear or shame or something else—I watch them on the sly, stealing covert, admiring glances, but never meeting their gaze openly.

Well, today I was on my way home from Pilates, feeling very attractive and fit, and I passed a hair salon. It was evening, so the place was empty except for one customer and a male hairdresser. As I walked by, the hairdresser looked up, and I, in a rare burst of forwardness, took off my sunglasses and smiled at him. That was all, just a brief moment of coquetry with someone I’m not really attracted to. He turned back to his client and I kept on walking. But maybe this was a first step for me.

One of my problems is that I have gone through life convinced, to my core, that I am fat, unattractive and hopelessly socially inept. (I imagine this is because my self-image solidified when I was thirteen, which was a very unfortunate age for me, as far as weight, looks and social aptitude are concerned.) But what I’ve been realizing lately is that regardless of whether I am any of those things—and there are arguments for both sides—I’m still worthy of love; I can still be a happy human being.

This is really a revolutionary concept for me, not for my brain, but for my emotional system as a whole. I remember telling people (Italian Catholics, mostly) that God loved them, that they were His beloved children, etc., etc. But every time I told someone this, I would think, deep down, “But He doesn’t love me, because I’m a failure.” Or, “Christ’s atonement paid for all sins . . . except for mine, because I am unworthy.“

Well, as I’ve mentioned before, I no longer believe in God or Jesus Christ, or the Atonement. I no longer even believe in sin as such, and haven’t for a few years now. But it’s only now that I’m finally beginning to forgive myself for some of my faults. So what if I’m not perfect? I can still pursue happiness, just like anyone else. I don’t have to wait for someone else’s approval—God’s, the Devil’s, my parents’, my professors’: mine is the opinion that matters.

Now I only have to convince myself to approve . . . myself.

My favorite music right now is either angry and dark or mellow and soothing. I listen to the angry/dark music when I’m angry/depressed and want to intensify those feelings, and I listen to the mellow, soothing music when I’m angry/depressed and want to be soothed. I am pretty much angry or depressed all the time now, so I’ve been listening to a lot of music.

Angry/Dark:
Pink, AFL, My Chemical Romance, some Scissor Sisters songs, some Joni Mitchell songs

Mellow/Soothing:
The Wailin’ Jennys, Eva Cassidy, Izzy, some Joni Mitchell songs, choir music

My favorite television shows are Heroes and Battlestar Galactica. I still love Veronica Mars, but she’s lost a bit of her newness for me.

My favorite recent books are Yo Mama as a Young Man, by Andrew Barlow and Kent Roberts; a book of Heinrich Heine’s lyric poetry in the original German; Exorcising Your Ex by Elizabeth Kuster; and my current read, Breaking the Spell: Religion as a Natural Phenomenon, which is very good so far.

Scissor Sisters

• I Can’t Decide
  • A fabulous song that lists inventive ways of killing someone.
• Kiss You Off
  • If your boyfriend/girlfriend was stupid enough to dump you, was he/she really good enough for you? Ana Matronic’s answer: Absolutely not!
• Almost Sorry (Bonus Track)
  • Takes the singer from wishing death on his ex to accepting and even appreciating the effect that the pain has had on him.

Pink

• Long Way to Happy
  • A lament for stolen innocence
• U + Ur Hand
  • A contemptuous brush-off for all the people who aren’t good enough for you.

NEK

• Parliamo al Singolare
  • Even before the break-up, we think and speak in the singular.

Cielo e Terra

• A relationship that was once as beautiful as the heaven and earth ends in anger and rejection.

Minnie Driver

• So Well
  • “I can let you go
    But I can lie as well
    Ask your friends how you doing
    They say you’re doing well
    But you can lie as well
    So well.”

Joni Mitchell

• Both Sides Now
• Clouds, Love and Life–we’ve been disappointed by all three, and we’ll never see them the same way again.
• Urge for Going
• A song about loss, change, and abandonment.

Muse

• Map of the Problematiqué
• “I can’t get it right since I met you
  When will the loneliness be over?”

Laura Pausini

• Il Mio Sbaglio Più Grande
• “A game I never win
  My worst mistake
  How angry you make me!
  (You are) the emptiness under my feet
  You are my worst mistake.”

• Swam with QUAC
• Saw ex for first time since break-up
• Finished the extant volumes of Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events (starting with Book Seven, they start getting really good! I can’t wait for Book 13!)
• Studied for Geometry/Topology qualifying exam tomorrow morning (wish me luck!)

In case anyone didn’t already know, being broken up with sucks. First, there’s the pain and betrayal of the break-up itself, with the endless analysis of the last conversation and the lost self-esteem. Then there’s the shock and bewilderment of suddenly finding yourself single: the things that constantly remind you of him; the plans that need to be remade; the abrupt aloneness and loneliness.

I’m single again, as of two evenings ago. I’ll probably be single for a while, too, since I think I’m finally serious about getting my degree and getting out of Salt Lake. That’s if I can get my act together and pass my exams and/or classes. Wish me luck!

Some facts:

• The last time I was in California (and, coincidentally, the last time I visited my family) was Christmas 2004.
• The last time I was in California in the summer was August 2002, right after I got home from Italy.
• The last time I swam in the ocean was . . . I don’t know. Must have been some time before July 19, 2000.

Well, the first two records were reset when I flew down to California this past Monday (July 31, 2006). Mike and I made a good try at resetting the third as well, but it was rainy and overcast down in Oceanside on Thursday, so we didn’t actually make it to the beach or out into the ocean. I guess that will have to wait until next year.

This vacation has been a series of firsts, among which:

• I stayed with my family for the first time since I came out to them as a gay ex-Mormon atheist.
• My mom met Mike for the first time, even though she did her best to make sure no one else in the family would (one step forward, two steps back, you might say).
• I met Mike’s family for the first time.
• I watched The Ant Bully for the first time (think a cross between Antz and Don Bluth’s The Secret of NIMH).
• I went to Sea World with Mike for the first time. (The first time of many, if Mike’s enthusiasm means anything.)
• Today, my best friend Carrie will hopefully meet Mike for the first time.

It’s been fun, but a week of vacation has always been about as much as I can handle. I’ll be happy to head back up to my regular life in Utah on Monday–work, study, my own occasionally clean bedroom, the University of Utah, etc.

Wish me luck on my qualifying exams (Algebra and Topology/Geometry). I guess that means wishing me luck on cramming for my exams over the next two weeks.

Well, these last few days were a fun break from my usual schedule. When Mike is in town I spend a lot less time in front of my computer, bored out of my skull and sweltering in the summer heat, and a lot more time out of doors, having fun and sweltering in the summer heat. And getting sunburned. You can’t forget the sunburn. I also tend to meet and hang out with more people when he’s around–Mike is much more gregarious and extroverted than I am, and he definitely gets me out of my shell, at least temporarily.

When it was time for him to go I wasn’t ready. I knew he would be taking off today, but I hadn’t been anticipating it or even thinking about it at all. It was a shock to suddenly realize, “Oops, gotta say goodbye, gotta get in one last farewell kiss, gotta wave as he drives away” . . . but I’m not sure it would have been better if I had been expecting it. I think it would have intruded on that last grocery run (I bought yogurt and milk; he got camping-trip snacks), or on that last lunch (he had peanut butter on white bread, I had half of a Wendy’s Frescata sandwich; we both had Yoplait cups).

So here I am again, back in front of my computer, bored out of my skull and sweltering. But I only have eight more weeks of this before I see him again in August. No time at all.

Have you ever woken up really happy without knowing the reason why? You know, full of that “It’s my birthday!” feeling you used to get when you were six, but it’s not your birthday? and you wonder and worry at it until you realize that you’re so happy because YOU SAW YOUR BOYFRIEND LAST NIGHT! or maybe yesterday, even though you can’t remember how or why? or maybe that doesn’t make sense at all, because he’s in California and won’t be back until Sunday, so it must have been a dream? and then you remember the rest of your dream and your boyfriend was the only good part in it, the only thing saving it from being a nightmare?

No?

I used to remember my dreams almost every morning. When I would get up, my mother would ask, “So what did you dream about last night?” and I would say, “A duck!” or “Flying!” Maybe it’s something I grew out of, because now I usually don’t remember my dreams. If scientists didn’t assure us that we dream every night, I might conclude that my sleep was pretty much dream-free. The only time I remember my dreams is if I wake up while they’re still going, which means there’s a trade-off: I can either get a good night’s sleep, or I can wake up when I’m not ready to, and be exhausted the next day.

Anyway, I woke up at 8am this morning, groaned, rolled over and fell back asleep–straight into a dream that incorporated my fear of drowning (in the form of a flash flood that seemed to come from every direction), my fear of dogs (in the form of a barking, growling dog that tried to keep us from reaching higher ground), my fear of chaotic crowd situations (in the form of a chaotic crowd in a shopping mall/bazaar), and my fear of running into people I used to know and having to explain all the changes that have happened in my life since I last saw them and then having to deal with their reaction to that (in the form of the mother and siblings of one of my old friends, who haven’t met me since I came out). As I implied above, the whole thing was saved from being a nightmare by Mike’s appearance during the flood, although he deserted me before I had to deal with the shopping mall crowds. He and I will have to have a talk about that.

Mikey in Cali
Originally uploaded by Pizzo Calabro.

Mike bought himself a new digital camera when he went down to California, and he has not let it sit around and collect dust. Here’s a self-portrait he sent me today for starters.