Why Can’t Boys Just Figure It Out?
I have a straight female friend who regales me occasionally with tales of the latest Boy she is interested in, and I’m always fascinated by the things she takes for granted about her role in her dating relationships.
“I invited Boy A to go on a hike, because I know we both like hiking. Do you think I was too forward?”
or
“Boy B said I should let him know if there was a fun lecture I wanted to go to, but I’ve invited him to a chamber music performance instead. Do you think that looks too aggressive?”
or
“Boy C and I went out on a few dates, but then he didn’t call for two weeks. When he finally called I let him know that WASN’T OKAY.”
So, basically, a woman can ask a guy out, but she’s walking a fine line. If she’s too retiring and never takes a risk, maybe she won’t get dates; if she’s too outgoing, maybe she’ll be viewed as mannish and dominating, and she won’t get second dates. Of course, my friend’s last comment also shows the double standard men are held to: in the earliest stages of a relationship, the guy is supposed to call. If he doesn’t, the girl can call him… but she risks seeming desperate. Really she’s supposed to wait for him to call her. And if he doesn’t, she’s supposed to agonize over it with her friends for several days before (maybe!) picking up the phone.
Another straight female acquaintance, erinannie, recently wrote a short blog post in which she said, “If my marital status is always going to depend upon me making the first move, I’m going to be single forever.”
The commenters sympathized thusly:
“Why can’t boys just figure it out?” one said.
“You shouldn’t have to [make the first move]. Men need to be men,” wrote another.
And: “I am so tired of my guy friends telling me that I need to make the first move. I am not going to do their job!”
“Was I too forward?” “He didn’t call for two weeks.” “Men need to be men.” “I am not going to do their job.” Once again, I’m glad I’m not heterosexual. Straight guys have it tough! In order to be seen as “real men,” they have to always make the first move, ask the girl out, pay for her way, call the girl back after the date—but not too soon! Straight girls have it tough, too: they’re supposed to attract the man’s gaze (as erinannie puts in, “I have done everything except lay down across his desk naked and poured chocolate across me to get his attention”), but—no matter how interested they are in the guy in question, they are supposed to wait for him to ask them out. (Am I missing anything? I was never very good at the straight mating game.)
Things are changing for straights, but homosexual relationships are still so much easier in this regard. Since both people are men or both are women, neither is “the man” and neither is “the woman.” Either can take initiative, either can pay for the date (or they can just split the check), and either can make that after-date call.
This isn’t to put erinannie and her dating practices on the spot. I understand being timid or otherwise reluctant to make the first move. Rejection is a bitch. As I explained in my own comment on erinannie’s post, I would never have had a boyfriend and would be dateless now if it depended on my taking the initiative, because that’s my personality. What I don’t understand is buying into the whole American patriarchal culture of dating and courtship.
So, straight people! Speak up. Why do you or don’t you follow the patriarchal norm in dating and relationships? Guys, do you mind if a girl asks you out, pays for a date, calls you first, etc.? Girls, do you mind doing the asking, paying, calling? Why or why not? What would you say the actual norm is these days, and what negative consequences are there for breaking it?
Non-straight people! What are your relationships like? Egalitarian? Patriarchal? Dom/sub? Butch/femme? Poly? What dating rules do you feel you must follow? People are dying to know!
